or my happiness,
or my life
Janet Kuypers
1/22/16
What I have too much of
is beyond my control.
And that’s not good
for the control freak
that’s me.
These things I have,
these things that happen to me
leave me trying to repair the damage,
leave me trying to improve
on the disaster they caused.
Right now
it’s the economy, stupid.
I lose more money
by selling what little I have
after the market has tanked
to pay for a second home,
in a town I was moved to
against my will,
though I was told
it was for my own good.
I have a house
to finish paying for
that i’m nowhere near;
that I cannot live in
and cannot sell
without my losing
what money
I once
put into
what was supposed to be
my home.
I have a debt
that’s weighing me down,
and I swear,
I didn’t make these choices
before being shoved
into this hole.
The light’s getting dim
from within this hole
as I feel the soil
falling over my head. *
Not that that matters.
I’m learning that.
I can do everything right
and someone else
will make some mistake
and it will cost me my finances,
or my happiness, or my life.
#
I once turned the wheels of my car
to save a motorcyclist from being killed
by a speeding car,
and my specific act
of kindness and concern
led me to the E.R.,
as half the staff
in that hospital
waited for days
‘til I could start breathing
on my own again.
That’s what I get,
for having too much
concern for life.
#
I’ve learned this.
I’ve learned
that over the course of my life
the battles just keep coming,
and just when I think
I should get a break,
well,
who am I kidding.
Silly me.
My soul gets worn
having to protect myself,
from everyone else’s wrongdoing,
what,
because I
have too much
compassion.
That’s what I get.
At this point in the game,
I should change my mantra to myself.
Life may hurt less
if I keep repeating it,
until it becomes second nature.
Just remember.
The good things aren’t meant for you.
You should have learned this by now.
* “the soil falling over my head” is from “I Know It’s Over” by the Smiths.
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