Before I can Put
a Smile on my Face Again
Janet Kuypers
06/08/11
when the people who organized
your high school class reunion
found out you had ALS
and for the past six months
you were bound to a wheelchair
they moved up the reunion date
to the fall
because they wanted to make sure
you were alive
long enough
for all your high school friends
to see you once more
and I thought,
wait a minute
Steven Hawking has ALS
and he’s lived for decades
while bound to a wheelchair
they’re really jumping the gun here
you’re not about to die
#
since I didn’t go to school with you
I wrote our band name on my name tag
at your class reunion
held at your favorite local bar
saw you there
in your wheelchair
now unable to speak
but still holding court with all the girls
from your high school days
(yeah, in your high school yearbook,
you were rated the Biggest Flirt)
the girls still swooned
as you periodically played
pre-programmed messages
in the computerized
Steven Hawking voice
when you saw me,
he told me
that I looked really beautiful today
and I blushed
(what am I supposed to say?)
and I heard you later on
with other swooning women
telling them
one by one
that they looked really beautiful today
and it made me smile,
and then John was there
when you complimented
one more woman
that’s when this man responded
(loud enough for the group to hear)
“stop complimenting me like that
in front of everybody”
and everyone had a good laugh,
reminding me
of how you always
put a smile on people’s faces
how you’d crack jokes
and make everyone smile
later in the evening
I saw your buddy
ask you if you wanted a drink
you agreed on rum
so he got some in a syringe
and injected it into a tube
it’s hard to see you like that,
you know
#
you were always the one
cracking the jokes
driving to my place in Chicago
to practice music with me
or joining me at bars for our performances
you drove to central Illinois with me
to perform music live
at a local radio station
and before we appeared on the air
you kept singing a once popular song
because it repeated your wife’s name
so yeah, I’m far away
and it’s hard to see you like that now
when there’s nothing I can do for you
#
after that reunion
I couldn’t call you
to tell you how I feel
if you could have answered
you wouldn’t want to hear it
no matter what you were going through
you didn’t want to hear others tell you
of how seeing you made them suffer
how selfish of them
they’re not the ones knocking on death’s door
everyone else
needs to keep on their happy face
it’s the least we could do
#
when I heard you just died
I had the hardest time not crying
but if I started crying,
I’d stop myself
what am I doing
he’s no longer in prison
while his body is destroyed
cellularly
I have to keep telling myself,
look, I know this hurts you
but you knew it would eventually happen
and now he’s no longer in pain
I’d be living at that point
where I’m always about to cry
until I was asked,
What Would Warren Want?
and I’d stop
and then I’d say
he’d want me to laugh
he’d want me to be happy
just give me a minute
because
after seeing such bad things
happen to such good people
I need to pull myself together
before I can put a smile on my face again
Copyright © 2011 Janet Kuypers.
All rights reserved. No material
may be reprinted without express permission.
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