Lessons from the Simpsons

I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not sell school property.
I will not trade pants with others.
I will not drive the principal’s car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not belch the National Anthem.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I am not deliciously saucy.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not sleep through my education.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not instigate a revolution.

I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes.”
I will not yell, “Fire” in a crowded classroom.
I will not Xerox my butt.
I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
I will not call the principal “spud head.”
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

A burp is not an answer.
“Bag Man” is not a legitimate career choice.
Coffee is not for kids.
The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
Goldfish don’t bounce.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
Tar is not a plaything.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
The cafeteria deep fat fryer is not a toy.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan!"
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.

At the beginning of each episode of “The Simpsons,”
Bart is serving detention and writing a message on the black board
over and over. The message changes from episode to episode.
This is a collection of some of the messages he has written.

Copyright Janet Kuypers.
All rights reserved. No material
may be reprinted without express permission.