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letter, 4/14/95 one I’m kind of dead in the water. My burger-flippin’ gig fell through, or I fell through it. The morning I was to start, I put on my idiot uniform & got into my car to make the gig, & I COULD NOT DO IT. Big time anxiety attack. Telling myself that if I don’t get some bread together I’m gonna end up in various kinds of hell did not work. is this what I’m reduced to? I can’t go through with it, I can’t, I just can’t. I deserve better than this. More. Some thing rewarding, something fulfilling, something not so empty, useless, life less like the feeling left in my stomach. At least I still have feeling, or is it just a numbness of sorts, a numbness and an anger. Numbness alone isn’t enough to kill myself over, apathy and lack of feeling doesn’t promote action. What do I want? What can I do? What range of emotions to I still have to go through, before I’ve hit them all? I feel like I’m near the end. When I get there, I’ll know. Maybe it’s anger. I don’t know yet. Copyright Janet Kuypers. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission.

Listen (1:09) (mixed 04/28/08) or listen (7:19) (full mix 08/21/08) to this poetry, combined with music from the HA!Man of South Africa creating “from Chicago the South Africa”

Watch this YouTube video live in the show Seeing a Psychiatrist 09/09/08, Chicago at the Cafe

You can also see this in Part One of the 09/09/08 show Seeing a Psychiatrist at Poetry Visualized

Watch the YouTube video Published in her book Close Cover Before Striking, read (for future audio CD release) 06/28/11 live at the Café

See feature-length YouTube video 06/28/11 of her performing her poetry & live Janet Kuypers & John Yotko songs @ Chicago’s the Café

Watch this YouTube video of the intro to the 06/28/11 open mic at the Café in Chicago, plus her Close Cover Before Striking prose & poem