A Year in the Life

The Sky Is Always Blue This painting looks incomplete. Boring. Here. Let me put a splash of color into the sky. But no, you say, the green looks wrong. That’s not how the sky is. But I only wanted something different. The sky is always blue. You might like it. Why do you have to say no?

Quite Happy Looking This smile I made for myself -- do you see it? I made it out of clay, and I shaped it to be quite happy looking. I parted the lips and curled up the edges. I even polished the teeth. It looks real. It was a very good looking smile. But not even the clay I shaped and molded can last forever, and now the sides curl down. The clay looks tired from holding this pose. I’m not fooling you anymore, am I?

Listen To What You’re Not Hearing I feign a smile as the breeze comes bouncing off the building sweeping around the backs of my legs When the breeze took my hair it licked your face You were annoyed I wasn’t surprised You asked me what was wrong I said, “nothing“ And you believed me I’m not trying to make any moves anymore because I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong move I don’t mean to annoy you Listen to what you’re not hearing

naivity The naivity is over. Now we must put our little toys away and stop playing house. This is the real thing, and I won’t fool around anymore. Not with you. You threw around the words “I love you” as if they were no more than water as if you really didn’t know their value. But this isn’t a game, and when I get hurt kissing it won’t make it better.

How Could I Not Love You In hysterics, we danced as we crashed the Chinese New Year’s ball You taught me how to waltz Blushing, we listened to your best friend as me if you were opening up sexually I told him there was no problem I remember when we filled the prophecy of your horoscope by sharing champagne at the fire place at the end of the week we even roasted marshmallows nervous, i stood in the amphitheater and serenaded you I’m sure I sang off key, but you said you loved my voice You gave me a long-stemmed rose when you made me dinner, when we went downtown, when you came back from church i kept those roses teeth chattering, we sat on a tire and kissed at the playground at midnight It was bitter cold, but I didn’t care The thought of you puts a sparkle in my eye and I can’t help but smile whenever I see you How could I not love you

pocket knife I saw you there dancing throwing her on the floor like another one of your toys. I had to pull out my army knife and slit your face; I had to watch the blood stream from your open wounds at the same speed as the apologies that parted from your lips. It was almost hard to keep up with your show, but I must admit that it was good entertainment. You know, I still couldn’t help but notice that your pocket knife was bigger than the one I bought for myself. An extra blade or two, a better pair of tweezers. And you were so proud of your little gadgets, and you were so sure that it was a better pocket knife. But I can’t help but think that not only does mine do the job, but it does the job well, and because you never use yours it’s all just a waste.

finest feeling Drench me in the finest furs surround me in the rarest silks of the Orient. Rest me in the clouds. I don’t care. I still contend that the finest feeling is laying with my head on your shoulder

I Knew I Had To (black candles) I knew I had to And so I walked into their bedroom and killed them A gun to the head: my stepfather first, and then my mother, awakening to her death As I opened the door my room smelled like burning as the black wax coated my carpet I sat on the floor, pulled out the book and began to read “You must do it, my son,” the voice said to me Yes, I know

find myself I had my own ring but on days I’d forget to wear it. You had your own vows but your memory seemed to fail you. You were foreign to me: a frightening foreign, an exciting foreign. Do I know your name? Do I care? Let me just take off my ring, I thought, and put it behind the frame on the dresser where I cannot see it tonight. I was only resigned to the thought: if I forgot myself with you, if I was lost with you, I would only remember again and soon find myself.

i see the scene Every once in a while I see the same scene again: I lay in the bed the field of daffodils with you draped over me folding over me conforming to my body like a rustling curtain rippling in the breeze from an open window. I do not sleep. I couldn’t, I would never want to. Our contours interlock, our limbs intertwine. Your breath rolls down my stomach like the breeze that brought you to me. I take your hand, and although you sleep you seem to hold me with all the intensity you possess. And with each beat of your heart, with your heat, comes the cool night air in the wind caressing me until the light from the morning sun awakens our silhouette.

put it to rest please put it to rest i can’t even think anymore i have a life to lead and all you can do is come to me and remind me don’t come to me anymore don’t talk to me don’t love me the past may be vivid in your mind but your wretched pathetic acts scare me and while i live in the present you try to push me and i can’t be pushed two years

masquerade You asked me to the masquerade and I willingly complied but I’m tired of wearing this dress for the feathers in my costume won’t stop licking my face and you cannot see the tears falling behind my mask - When you seethe price they pay I’m sure you’ll come and join the masquerade, you say but the price is too high for I don’t want to wear a mask with you, and I would only hope that I don’t have to.

all men have secrets all men have secrets and here is mine. Strength is my weakness and now my shoulders don’t stay in place. You ask me to open my eyes but they are. At least I think they are. Why don’t you take me in your arms? Why don’t you seduce me? Tear me in half. Rip me apart. Just don’t cast me aside. I don’t want to be strong. Be strong for me, so that I can adjust my chin and not have to worry about whether or not my eyes are open.

robert I stand in a room full of strangers leaning against a wall a wallflower but I was content with knowing no one with knowing you beer glass in hand you introduce me to the vast assortment of drunken fools you call your friends and I stand there merely happy to be by your side a stranger intoxicated to the point of being comatose tells me I’m pretty but I really don’t care because I have you you are all I need as the rest of the party imbibes to no end and you take yourself down the road to oblivion I stay leaning leaning against the wall and I watch you sing a song with your buddies laugh at the stupidest jokes eat dog food and I keep thinking that this was all I needed to be happy you seemed to be all that mattered in the world to me how was I to know that I was leaning against the wall because you gave me no support

I Sat There I sat there in the shade I took a stick I wrote your name in the ground preacher says the number one sin is lust then I am condemned to Hell for I want you and I don’t care what preacher says for if the elements wash away your name tonight I will be back tomorrow to write it again.

Cried Alone I have always cried alone I couldn’t help but find a place to myself and that I would no longer have to swallow the tears The salt water burned my face The silent pleas killed me I couldn’t escape it The past came to haunt me and it didn’t care how much it hurt me It just laughed when I thought I was free and it waited for the right moment to twist the knife To tighten the noose And I quietly took the pain I decided I had to move on I had to pick up the lingering parts of the past and put them in their place Where they belong But I couldn’t do that alone I wanted to remember the unclenched fist And when you helped me in the fight I actually felt strong again And I don’t cry anymore

Copyright Janet Kuypers. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission.