Didn’t Feel the Convulsions

True Happiness in the New Millennium “I ain’t never found peace upon the breast of a girl I ain’t never found peace with the religions of the world I ain’t never found peace at the bottom of a glass Sometimes it seems the more I ask for the less I receive Sometimes it seems the more I ask for the less I receive The only true freedom is freedom from the heart’s desires And the only true happiness this way lies” - Matt Johnson I’m here to usher in a whole new millennium I’m the new saviorthe savior of science the savior of strengththe savior of survival survival of the fittestsurvival of the best and I’m here to tell you we’re starting anew so fasten your seat beltshang on to your hats place your seat trays in their upright and locked position for it’s a bumpy ride, and I’ll tell you why I’m here to usher in a whole new millennium the millennium of reason and logic and strength and I don’t want to hear about your self-destruction I don’t want to hear your whining, psychosis, your depression, suicide, alcohol and drugs and just what made you think that playing with needles and escape would make things better somehow God, I’ve always hated needles anyway what is it with you people well, you need a leader and I’m stepping up to the plate you keep asking for a big brother and I’m here to set you straight you want someone to w1pe your noses for you well, pick up the damn tissue and do it yourself because when you give up your rights, you take away mine and we’re not having any of that I’m here to usher in a whole new millennium and you say to me you need crystal meth so you can stay awake through work and you say to me that you don’t need to drink, that you just like the taste and you say to me that with all your escapism you still don’t feel any better and you say to me that sometimes suicide is the only answer I’m here to usher in a whole new millennium I’m here to usher in a whole new generation so stop asking for things and start working for things because X is for ecstacy as long as it’s fast and X is for extra but there’s always a cost and ecstacy doesn’t come without extra work no matter how many corners you cut and you know, X is for X-Ray and I see right through that they say that Eve ate from the tree from knowledge but you know, she shouldn’t have stopped just then cause the loggers are raping the trees of knowledge the loggers are raping the forests of talent the forests of ability the forests of reason of skillof logicpreserveranceand life we’re letting them rape the forests of excellence and you know it’s now time to take it all back because I’m here to usher in a whole new millennium and I’m here to tell you how it’s going to be done you’re looking for peace in all the wrong places you’re asking your leaders to save you from yourself but your leaders are losers and they’re worse off than you I’m here to usher in a whole new millennium where it’s time to take charge and it’s time fess up only you can deliver you from your own sins but first you must know what sin really is it’s time to make choices and it’s time to lay claim to everything we’ve been blindly giving away because I’m here to usher in a whole new millennium take charge of yourself, and I’ll take charge of me I’m my leader, not yours, so w1pe your own noses take it in to your hands, people, mold your own tools this is the new millennium, and this is your chance because no one should be showing us how to fail people mastered that feat a millennia ago so set your own rules and do something fast cause it’s time to take charge and it’s time to be alive I’m here to usher in a whole new millennium And I’m waiting for you to usher in yours Because true happiness this way lies, my friend and I won’t wait long if you lag behind cause I’m setting my rules so step out of my way I’m here to tell you there’s a new sensation and I’m here to tell you there’s a new salvation and that true happiness this way lies

weren’t even married you jumped from an airplane once and you promised that you’d force me to go with you the next time you were always jumping out of airplanes, weren’t you the ring i’m wearing is on my right hand, not my left and it’s on my middle finger, not my ring finger and it seems appropriate you didn’t even buy me that ring and we weren’t even married i bought the ring at a street fair on belmont avenue in chicago on the day of our first date where we watched pulp fiction at your apartment and i asked you to sit closer to me and you kissed me the ring isn’t a complete circle there are two stones that don’t quite meet and there’s a void in the middle and that was appropriate cause you didn’t even buy it for me and we weren’t even married i’ve missed you, you know i can’t even pass the apartment building you lived in any more i remember when you told me that someone was shot in that building once and that maybe it was haunted but they were shot for money they were robbed and this time you just sl1pped away in your sleep and this time i was robbed when one of the stones fell out of my ring i was sad but i think you were more sad you wanted to replace the shiny purple stone but i said no and now i still wear the ring and a stone is still missing and isn’t it appropriate and we weren’t even married i’ve missed you, you know and with your absence the bad memories vanish where you were someone else once where you were someone once where you were alive once i forget that there was so much about you i hated because you’re not here to remind me so with this ring, i remember because now nothing is complete anymore and everything is missing now and isn’t it appropriate that there’s no next time for us you jumped from an airplane once and you promised that you’d force me to go with you the next time

will be just fine July 6, 1998 there’s a pot on my window sill terra-cotta, i think and it used to have a spider plant in it once now there’s just a pile of dirt shaped like a terra cotta pot with a few dried stems coming out of the top i could never take care of anything, you know and i wonder what i’ve done to you could I find you again hold you in my arms rock you like a baby stroke your hear and tell you everything will be just fine

almost the best part isn’t that moment of expectation almost the best part of it when you think everything is over and then they come back they walk across the living room when everyone else is sleeping and you think you shouldn’t be doing this that this can’t be happening and you let their skin touch yours when you’re laying on the floor on the carpet in the living room well, that moment right before you’re on the floor in the living room isn’t that moment of expectation almost the best part of it

being god I’m tired of dying for your sins over and over again and why is it that I am the one that’s doing the dying when you are the one that’s doing the sinning I don’t think you’re learning your lesson I’m tired of taking this knife to my hands over and over again giving myself the stigmata the blood gets all over my clothes and I can never get the stains out and for what, for you to see how I suffer I’m tired of being humble when I’m supposed to be the one with the power over and over again I become your servant and never are you bowing to me I don’t even get a thank you I’m tired of preaching to the converted when the converted aren’t even really listening they’re snoring in the back rows while I deliver my sermon and there’s not even air conditioning in here and I’m sweating I’m tired of coming to you and healing the sick taking away the problems, over and over again giving you something to look forward to and all I have is an eternity of waiting for someone to take my place and tend to my wounds I’m tired of giving the earth up to you watching the devil’s work be done, and you know, he’s just sitting down there looking at me and laughing, over and over again because it’s so easy for him when he doesn’t have to work I’m tired of being your salvation over and over again you turn to me and I have no one to turn to but myself it’s a bitch, you know, being your own god since no one can save me from me I’m tired of being your teacher, handing you what you need on a silver platter and waiting for that damn collection plate and someone is always stealing out of it from the back row I know who you are, you who leave me nothing I’m tired of wearing this crown of thorns over and over again the needles prick my skin and even gods bleed, at least this one does and when I ask you to w1pe the blood out of my eyes, well, I can’t see you anywhere I’m tired of being something for everybody when everyone is nothing for me maybe the devil has the right idea, you know maybe I’ll sit back and wait for you miss me as you wonder who’s your messiah now

Burning Building This is what you don’t allow me to say. These words I utter are a plea for help and you tell me you want to be the hand that pulls me from the burning building and every time I try to be rescued you turn your back and walk away so I will rescue myself this time again and I will wonder if I should stop trying and allow myself to perish in the flames now all I have to do is sit and wait for another disaster to consume me and sitting in silence is exactly what I’ll do Why do you tell me one thing and do another? Why do you run away when I need you most? I’m stepping over the wooden beams now, and the flames are all around me. Here, look at the blood dr1pping from my arms. Here, smell my flesh burning. This is what you do. I do not walk away unscathed. I never do. But now that I wait for my next burning building I know I will never allow myself to enter it. Why can’t it be easier to perish? I try and try, and every time at the last minute, my figure steps over the the charred remains and saves me. If only there were no more burning buildings. If only I didn’t have to save myself all the time. If only I could feel free, just this once. If only I could feel safe with you, just this once. If only your words weren’t empty promises. If only your words were not the burning building.

Carpet The apartment needs to be dusted. I can see some cat hair, and the carpet doesn’t soak it all in, even though it does a better job then those damn hardwood floors that I’m so used to. Everyone seems to want hardwood floors in their home, but why? They are loud and look dirty quickly. And dust doesn’t settle on them, so the air always has things floating in it. But carpet, carpet muffles the loud noises, it keeps your feet warm when you step out of bed on a cold winter morning, it makes things more pleasant. You have to vacuum it, true, but you don’t need a mop. You have to be more careful that you don’t spill things. But you shouldn’t be spilling things in the first place, right? Well, anyway, I have to remember to dust this apartment. It should be perfect. You can’t see the dust here, the carpet doesn’t let all the dust get into the air but you have to make sure that you clean it more often. Is it worth the effort? I think it is.

holding my hand when we’re walking in stride together down the street and our feet pump out the same rhythm and our shoulders are almost touching and our hands brush up against each other for one brief moment and he reaches over and takes my hand when he slides his fingers around mine and I feel him move along the palm of my hand well, no one knows what it feels like when his fingers curl and hold me tight well, it feels like pop rocks it feels like when that candy is sliding down my throat after I let it explode on my tongue and it’s still tingling and no one knows I’m eating this and no one knows the feeling and this is my little secret and I feel this feeling like never before and it makes me want to laugh and cry because I look around the room and no one else is eating those pop rocks and no one knows the feeling when he’s holding my hand

Isn’t it Amazing Isn’t it amazing how much easier it is to destroy something than to fight for it. It’s amazing to see people throw away their lives day after day like a bag of trash taken to the corner for someone else to carry away. You can forget about the trash when someone gets rid of it for you. Now all you have to do is bring it to the corner and then wait for them to do their work. Isn’t it amazing how much easier it is to destroy something than to fight for it. Isn’t it amazing. Isn’t it amazing how willing we are to give up our chances at happiness. Isn’t it amazing how afraid we are of life. Isn’t it funny how we don’t want to embarrass ourselves. Quick. Take out the trash. Hopefully no one will see you in your bathrobe as you make your way to the end of your driveway. All you have to do is turn around and leave it there. Someone else will clean up the mess. Someone else will pick up the pieces. This is what we do, in America. This is how we avoid hurt. This is how we stay ahead. Now look who has egg on their face. Isn’t it amazing how much easier it is to destroy something than to fight for it. Once you’ve made that decision, once you know that you’re going to be the one holding the aces, you can watch the rest of the world squirm. If only those fools knew better, you think. If only they knew what you know. It’s emotion that gets them in trouble. Just don’t cross that line. Isn’t it amazing how much easier it is to destroy something than to fight for it. It seems the obvious choice. Isn’t it amazing.

Let the War Begin My silence is my only choice. My silence is my weapon. As it is with you. As it is with all of us. To go against all instinct and not fight. This is my weapon. To keep us alive and bury the truth. This is the way I keep our sanity, but lose mine. Isn’t this the way it always goes. Me giving in first. You say this isn’t what you want but your actions speak novels to me. I’ve read this book before. Nothing is pure when you destroy purity. Nothing is sacred when there is no God and no hope. I’ve lost my battles and now I need new defenses. I’ve thrown down the gauntlet. Let the war begin.

looking for a worthy adversary I’ve been looking for a worthy adversary someone I can lock horns with because although my life makes more sense when I’m alone it’s not nearly as interesting I’ve been looking for a worthy adversary someone I can battle to the death with because it can’t be about love, you see love can’t exist on the terms I demand it’s never that pure I’ve been looking for a worthy adversary and so I slither up to you like a snake as you sit there at the corner of the bar drinking your gin and tonics and I tempt you with a golden apple but all I was offering you was fruit from the tree of knowledge I didn’t know how willing you were to take from that tree I’m not used to that, you know Did you know you’d need to come back for more? Did you know what you were getting into? well, I didn’t know you’d have a thing or two to each me too and did I know I’d need to come back for more? Did I know what I was getting into? because as I’ve been looking for a worthy adversary all this time I’ve been playing a part an actress on a stage, spouting the lines on cue and that role was getting tiresome but those stage lights still came on night after night and I still had to play my part until on my night off I saw your performance at the theatre down the street and you know, your protagonist was doing what I was doing right down to faking it with people who don’t matter right down to going home and still feeling empty and you know, I liked to see that boiling emotion underneath that no one else could see because only I had the knowledge to know what that emotion really means and you know, I’m beginning to wonder if we can get together and write our own play it would be a masterful performance, you know and as that curtain would close we’d hold each other’s hands and walk off the stage and the audience would know that there is a happy ending and now when I walk out on to the set and there you stand, in front, stage left I wait for my cue to make my move none of the rest of the scene matters to me, you know maybe they’d like our little play, maybe they wouldn’t who really cares because even though I came to you and tempted you you now tempt me and tease me and torment me and tell me everything I was too afraid to believe and show me the knowledge that always escaped me and when you talk you reach your hand into my brain and pull out my thoughts and shove them into your mouth and spit them back at me and instead of filling me with terror it fills me with joy I’ve been looking for a worthy adversary and maybe you are much more than that I’ve heard the words you say to me before I’ve said them to myself many times but why do they sound so much better coming from you? I had been looking for a worth adversary someone I could lock horns with but now I’m no longer locking horns now it seems I don’t have to fight the battle alone now it seems that there’s no battle to fight we know what all the lines from our play really mean and now we’re performing for no one now we’re just ourselves and now there’s just understanding I don’t even have to speak and now every day is Valentine’s Day and now it’s like candy and flowers and springtime and hearts and cupids and sunshine and you know it’s scary these cleches are actually beginning to make sense I guess that’s what the tree of knowledge does to you so this is what has been going on in my mind and now I’ve just spilled my guts and now I’m just a puddle on the floor but now my performance of a lifetime is made I stand here like a statue and wait for my applause and as I wait for the reviews on the performance I was made for I know what they’re all going to say and none of that matters anymore because I know what you are going to say because it’s everything that I want to say because now it’s time for you to take my thoughts again and shove them into your mouth again and spit them back at me again and now I wait for you to come on stage again for our next wonderful performance where we have our happy ending where you tell me what I already know

Mixing Metaphors a heart is supposed to mean romance but the deep dark red suggests lust the cupid suggests true love anew but a child knows only dependency love hits you like a ton of bricks and you only hurt the ones you love I keep hearing of all these conflicts and I’m trying to make sense of it all and I’m mixing my metaphors now I’m mixing my cocktails on a saturday night throw love in with vodka and lime and a little cointreau and you have an absolutely perfect martini, well that’s what I hear so I keep drinking and mixing and drinking and trying you know, I’ve heard that for an added kick, keep in the love but add just a splash of lust the way that deep red heart of romance suggests so much more than candy and flowers because really, when it comes down to it, when you get all those metaphors together even though they seem to mean so many different things, well, when you get the right martini rec1pe, well, every ingredient is so necessary lust and love and all that other good- tasting stuff that goes down so easy well, every ingredient is necessary in that perfect drink because everything seems to come together so well and everything suddenly means so much even if it’s only a drink and even if it’s only a cheesey metaphor and suddenly that’s okay

Panther I’ve been waiting here the hunter who has always caught their prey now I am the hunted my gun is gone my blade is gone my defenses are gone the blindfold presses my eyes into my skull I hear you in the darkness the panther I just sense your presence the fear is exciting waiting for the moment when you pounce and consume it’s all I can think of all I can do is wait for you to strike my eyes are closed but I can almost see you and I’m waiting

present and past In such a short time I have lost both my past and my future. Familiar memories that one looks back on and smiles from have vanished like the rolling waves of burning heat from death. And hope, hope is something one can have only when there is a chance for happiness. This is not me. Now I sit here, at this table, look at the plant with leaves dry and crumbling look at the dust settled and think: this is all there is. The present. Study the dying. Study the dust. And after this moment, tackle the next.

what women want do you want to know the secret to understanding what women want because I can tell it to you, it’s simple, really all women want is for their lover to know what they need without them have to ask, and without them having to tell oh, and yes, for you to do it, too, that’s the other part of it they want men to know what to them seems obvious but you men, you can’t do what they want even when they tell you what they need, point blank, and there’s no guessing game which, you know, when they tell you, you’ve lost half the battle but the least you could do is make it up in the second half it’s the least you could do to tell them you love them and hold them and be their knight in shining armor they know you’re not riding up on a white horse coming to sweep them off their feet and ride off into the sunset but throw them this bone every once in a while, give them the scraps from your plate under the table, just a little something they’re yelping under the table hoping you understand their pleas they’re shivering in the dog house when they should be by your side because they’re starving over here, and it seems that only you can give them what they need, much less what they want it’s simple, really: they need attention, they desperately need it and they’re tired of asking, because they shouldn’t have to ask this is the key to understanding what women want, so please do something with this knowledge and save the one you love

you won’t miss her there is no myself anymore I had to kill her because you see, she wanted too much more than anyone could ever give and I got tired of seeing her writhing on the floor and I got tired of seeing the blood from everyone scratching at her and I got tired of seeing the bruises from when she was constantly kicked while she was down and I got tired of trying to clean her up over and over and I got tired of w1ping the tears from her face well my handkerchief is soaked with tears now and my shirt is soaked with her blood and neither one of us was feeling any better she was begging, you know for the pain to stop and so I did what I had to you won’t miss her

Copyright Janet Kuypers. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission.

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