Welcome to

The Recovery

Hasn’t Happened Yet I think there’s so much about me that’s ugly and people can tell me otherwise people can give me compliments and the compliments are never enough it’s never what i want to hear it would be nice if the right someone came along and told me everything I needed to hear but that hasn’t happened yet people keep trying to make me feel better they talk about the sunrises and the stars in the sky and the babbling book that is a couple of blocks from my house but I don’t see those things I never do when I look right over my shoulder to see the beauty in things well, I never get to the beauty part I never get there so no, I don’t know what the answers are and I don’t know how to make things better for me things haven’t gotten better yet and I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do I guess my only choice is to keep trying

Like My Motto It is so easy to hope for things It is easy, I guess, when you’ve got nothing to hope for something because it is nice to think that there is someone out there for you and you will have a happy ending I know women who think that it would be nice if there was a nice rich guy that would come along and sweep them off their feet and then for the rest of their lives they could east bon bons and watch movies on their television and they could decide where their adopted child will go for private school I never said I thought that way but I know that ideology exists And at times I just get tired of fighting it I figure that no one is listening to me and I figure that this whole hope thing is over, well, overdone Over-rated Overly confusing Over-something So I’m wondering that if I’m getting tired of fighting it, well, why am I even fighting any of this? Everyone has been stepping all over me, so why don’t I just get used to the whole cycle Stop fighting Get used to it These are the words I have to keep telling myself until they are like my motto

We All Want That Not a lot of people think about killing themselves I mean, not a lot of people think of it as a real option, because I mean, when things get tough, when you get the bad breaks, well, they get better eventually they do and no one wants to think about the bad stuff and everyone wants to see the light at the end of the tunnel and no one wants to think that bad things can happen to them it’s like they think they are invincible or something but sometimes things don’t work out that way and no, you don’t want to think about the bad stuff and you want to think about the things that are supposed to make life grand for you we all want that, don’t we

Are The Things That I Like What I think I like the most about you Are all the little details about you That I can not remember Maybe we never shared any of those moments together Maybe I just need to think of moments with you That we never really shared I have only seen you remotely I have never known how to approach you I have always thought that I didn not want to act inconspicuous But I have to admit, what I have seen of you I have to admit that I like it There are parts about you that are quirky, but I think that is okay It is the things about you that no one else likes And those are the things that I like And maybe my problem is, well, thinking of you and Making your image known in my head And making you real in my head I have seen how much you care about your work And we may not share the same work But I like how you think I like how you think about work And I like how you think about a lot of things And if your quirks are a part of a large, strange package Then I will take it I like your height and your physique and I like how intelligent you are and I like the fact That you are partially color blind because you know I like to think that there are some things about you That are not perfect because then you will have an excuse to claim that well, you are human I would like to think that you are human I would like to think that you are real because I know That I am real and this could be a link for me This could be something that would help me to prove in my own head that I am not the only one and that there is someone out there like ne too

Get Me Through My Life there are so many times when i have imagined things to be different there was a time tonight when i thought you would come up to me and act like you had never met me before and well, i did not know what else to say and so i did the same it is strange to be in a place you have not been to before because i think that is when i see something familiar and see something different it is at times like that when i try to come up with stories in my head to get me through the days and get me through my life so yes, i think of you sometimes at times like this

I Know It’s Not Going To Happen There are so many things that I think about maybe that is one of my curses but I think of these things every once in a while things that are supposed to make me smile and things that are supposed to make me angry too and sometimes I like to think about the good things whether or not they happen to me but I can think and I know these things are not going to happen but I can fantasize about it every once in a while and because I am here and I have the time here to think about it I can think about you I can think about how you liked me and I can think about how strong you were and I can think that you could have been a good challenge for me that you would have put limits on me that you would not have let me do whatever I want and maybe that would have been good for me and I think about how mice it would be just to hear that you still like me even after a decade and I know I should never have let your down and I know I should never have looked for someone else well, for that I am still paying and I do not know if you are married now or if you ever got married and now you are going through a divorce I would like to think of it that way, you know I suppose you could be single but I assume that some woman would have swept you up by now and someone would have taken you away from the rest of the women out there including me

That Adorable Together there are times when you feel like the world is crashing all around you and there are times when you get a glimmer of hope and it is at times like those when you cling on to those glimmers of hope and yes, sometimes it is nice to have those glimmers of hope you have to hope for something, you know and now that i live here and i see the places i used to frequent and i think of all the bad things that have happened to me bad things here, bad things there well, sometimes, when i think of the things that could go wrong in life i oddly enough still come to you in my head i think of all the nice things you used to do for me i think of the way you used to be so good to me you acted like you cared maybe at the time you didn’t know any better and maybe at the time i didn’t know any better either oh, what am i saying still looking back i think about how cute you were and how nice you were i wasn’t looking for the football player type and you just happened to be that adorable and even though i didn’t know any better i still knew that you were a good guy and you were worth it yes, i might have made you suffer and i never meant to my friend andy in school called you mister superman because he never saw you and he knew you were a football player and never had the chance to associate you name with your face i still have photos of you ones i used to keep in my wallet because i was not willing to let go over every image of you well, not that fast, that is i remember how you met me and my friend ellen at a hotel in champaign illinois i was able to use the excuse “i need to see the town before i decide to go there for school” routine but for me it was just another opportunity to see you and i didn’t care about the guy that drove with you and i don’t know if we were too cutesy around each other in front of your friend and in front of my friend ellen i don’t know if we were that adorable together there are so many stories i could tell about you about how smart you were, about how strong you were after all this time that has passed i almost feel that it’s not necessary for me to tell these stories out loud again because i know these stories and i want them remembered and i know all these stories and i want someone to share them with me i know

You Know What I’m Talking About there are times when i have thought about you and there are times when i have thought less than perfect things well, forgive me unless you like that kind of thing i know it has been years since we have talked and I know you probably hate me and maybe you want something different in life and maybe I would be a nice diversion for you and maybe I could tell you that I have gone through a lot too and maybe we could find consolation in each other maybe we could provide relief maybe you would like to be the kind of man you could never be around me before maybe you would talk to me and say things that you could not tell anyone well, at least not in open places well, maybe you know what i am talking about well, my point is well, I have been looking for things and maybe, just maybe you are looking for things too maybe something out of life maybe some comic relief maybe some attention maybe I could be that for you maybe you could be that for me

All The Details I wonder if it’s just easier sometimes to think that you didn’t die, that you were just ignoring me. Would it be easier then? Would I think that maybe you’re somewhere missing me, feeling that hole in your heart where a relationship with me would go. Is it that way it’s supposed to be done? I know that if you were alive you’d still want to call me, and you still would expect something out of me. But I want to be able to talk to you, to pass the time with you, to know that you’re there to listen Maybe if you were alive somewhere I could just be angry with you. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel bad, maybe I wouldn’t miss you. Maybe then I wouldn’t want you near me, to make me laugh, or just to let me scream out loud, when I needed to let out a good yell Maybe you are somewhere, listening. That’s a nice way to think about it. Maybe you know that I cared about you, maybe you know it hurt me when you were gone. It hurts me still. Maybe you’re somewhere, just waiting to fill me in on all the details I’ve been lacking, all the details I’ve been wanting to know

Bad And Good I just heard about an unwarranted arrest for a man who was technically a couple of arrests in debt One thing occurred to me when I heard that thought: there are bad people in the world, and good people. So why have I been better than good all my life? I hope someone who is bad can give me the answer soon

Changing Garments Agonies are one of my changes of garments, I do not ask the wounded person how he feels or who he is I myself become the wounded person, My hurts turn livid upon me as I lean on a cane and observe

Conscious Of It only when I think about it only when I’m conscious of it only sometime when I think of you as alive maybe I should have gone to your funeral maybe I should have seen your body maybe I could have seen the color of your skin or the needle marks near your lips they used to put your mouth together maybe I needed to see these things but I don’t know if I was ready I still don’t know if I am ready maybe I wouldn’t have so much to say to you maybe I wouldn’t expect you to come back maybe then I wouldn’t want to touch your face and feel your skin maybe it would be easier that way

jarv well it always seems to me a day with you can be a month and still it can be a month where we can live a lifetime. Why do the days seem so impossible to overcome now? why can’t someone learn the answers to these questions and why can’t someone solve the mysteries of the day? sometimes I wish that life would be easier Why can’t the simple answers be the answers for some people like me? months make time disappear when you seem to disappear from my thoughts, from my sight and then someone has to go and remind me and all my thoughts of you come rushing back and I don’t know where you go while you’re gone and I don’t know why I’m forced to remember you and I don’t know what to do with all these questions that no one can answer for me no one seems to have the answers that I have been looking for So should I stop looking How many times will I be forced to remember the past, my saying good-bye to you, my forgetting you, which seems to have happened so many years and thoughts ago I wish you could know a fraction of the thoughts that have been in my head, since your death, since mine I keep wondering when my life will start, who will protect me from all my bad dreams. The dreams keep coming to me, just so you know Not that you’d have any of the ideas that have gone through my head about the world, or the dreams about you, or about me That’s something I’m just supposed to forget like magic I wish that getting an answer from you would be as easy as getting an answer from anyone you would usually argue with. I’ve wanted to tell you for so many minutes, so many months, so many years, that I still miss you. I’m sure that doesn’t sound like the truth when i try to tell you, but I mean it. My sister, when I got out of my latest car accident, brought me one of your paintings. I remember it having a blue background, not a red one, but maybe that was just my memory creeping up on me again. I wish I knew how you felt. About me. I wish about things like that, at times. I wish but I’ve had strange thoughts like that in my lifetime that thoughts could be instantly different. I suppose I shouldn’t think about wishes that can’t just come true, like that, but this is the gist of dreams I still fruitlessly dream about. This is my life now, just so you know, Just so you can get a glimpse of what my life is like now. I hope that somehow I managed to learn something about you and about me in all of this. I wish I could have given you more of that in life. Or in death. There are times, just so you know, when I wish things could be different for you, or for me, or even for us. sometimes I wonder if there’s just no sense in the world. I mean, is that all there is to it? Is someone just pulling one big joke on me, pulling their hands over my eyes? When is everything supposed to just get better and have a happy ending? Every once in a while I see a painting that you did and I think of you and I still feel sad I wonder when the pain will go away, when I will eventually just forget you and that will be the end of it. Well, that hasn’t come yet. I’m still waiting for that day. Someone tell me when it comes? Someone? I had the whole image in my head: I was in the hospital recovering from surgery and the only way for you to visit me there would be through the cars that I can see out my window. And you came to the door and got rid of my family that would have recognized you and would have said, “hey, he’s alive. Somebody stop him!” But my whole family wasn’t around, not in my little dream that I pictured, and you came, and my doctors were mad and I was almost unconscious and you tried to talk to me. And I tried to make sense in my head out of what you were saying, and I kept asking you if you were alive. That was all I could come up with to say to you on such short notice. And you kept asking me “what”, and still wanted me to never give you the right answer, the answer to whatever you were asking. I wanted the answers I had for you to just come spilling out of my mouth. I wish the answers wouldn’t come as easily as the truths do. I think back to all of the good-byes we should have had, and I think about all of the hellos we also should have had. I still don’t have the answers, but I DO have my thoughts and I still usually miss you. And I think of you while I’m in that house that aches in pain, with good and evil, that’s what I get on a bad day, the house which holds all of my clothing now. With all of those demons that just won’t go away. I wanted to tell you so much over the years. I wanted to let you know that, even if you never hear it or even if you never believe it, there has always been a part of me and there will always be a part of me however little you want to believe it there will always be a part of me that will always love you. That seems like such a shallow thing to say, That seems like such a shallow thing to repeat. But I guess I said it. So there it is. I know you loved me, I know I never told you I loved you back. Maybe that was wrong for me to do. Maybe when you were alive I just didn’t know any better. Maybe I just wanted to always be right. That could have been it. I know you deserved so much more than me. Most people did, I was mean. That was how I felt. I hope you did and you will always understand that. Sometimes the answers didn’t come to me, and sometimes I didn’t know what to tell you at the times when you needed it most. I wish I could fill in all of the gaps that were missing from my less-than-perfect education. I needed to learn. And so did you, I suppose. And maybe we can one day forgive each other, and maybe even teach each other a thing or two one day. I’ll still always be sorry to you, just so you know. I hope for now that this is enough of an apology. I’ll tell you I’m sorry later. Forgive me. Maybe One day I’ll see you again and we can make this all works out somehow. I hope so. Let’s reserve a date for it. We’ll call it a time when we’re supposed to get together. I’m marking the date. You do the same. August tenth sounds like a good date to me. Remember it. Remember the date, and thank you for nothing, and thank you for everything. I’ll see you soon.

This Halloween Again “head up my” I have no plans for the holiday this year. No parties. Well, none that I’m going to. I’m dressing up for Halloween, though, in something that almost doesn’t look like a costume. I want to be a Scotsman for Halloween. Not because I’m Scottish, I’m not. Not because I’m male, I’m not, In my costume, people may not even think I’m dressed up for Halloween. But I’ll know. I never did anything with you for Halloween. Well, when it was Halloween a year or two ago I put on a wig and dressed up when I picked you up from the airport It’s funny how easy it is to remember little stories like that. You were dressed as a cartoon character for Halloween last year. I never got to see you in that outfit I always thought I could see it another time. I didn’t think you’d be gone before the next Halloween rolled around I thought you’d always be around, you always were, you know When I needed to talk to you, I called. Or else you called me instead. It was almost like I had a little brother there, who was always willing to listen to me, who was always wanting to put up with me. My question to you is this: were you always willing to put up with me? Did you think things would end this way? Just so you know, wherever you are, that someone i am thinking about you. Because I know the holidays aren’t the same without you here I never thought about dressing up for Halloween, or about Scotland, or even other countries, but you, well, you were Scottish, through and through, and you wanted a kilt, and you wanted the world to know you were Scottish. I always thought you’d be around I thought, even when you aggravated me, that you would always be there for me. Now I just have to be there for myself. I wonder how lonely people get, if they lose someone they were close to, do they feel like a piece of them is missing too? Well, I do, in part And I figure someone has to be a Scotsman for Halloween, even if this year it has to be me

What I Go Through over the years there are so many things that I have thought about I always wonder if other people think the way I do but with everything that has happened to me this year I did think of you really I wondered what it was like for you to be in pain if you thought it was the end for you if you knew what was going on brian gave me one of your earrings yesterday i think it was the last one you wore and when i heard that he still had it i wanted it i wanted to have something to remember you by other than these damn memories we should have had more memories together you know that maybe it’s better this way that’s what I keep telling myself i have to keep telling myself things, you know to keep me sane but if they’re right and you know my thoughts then i suppose you know what I go through when all you’ve got are memories don’t you have to fill your time with something?

Enough So Far okay, so you thought that it would be a good idea for me to be with him and I appreciate your honesty I’m not used to honesty, you know I’m used to people trying to screw me over and I know I’m a girl but I have to act like a guy sometimes so that people don’t try to make my life tougher hasn’t it been tough enough so far? well, I appreciate your truthfulness when you’re so used to not getting the truth from anyone well, honesty is nice and I know that when I started to tell you about what I thought might happen with me and hin you kept saying that he has to be a lucky guy well, I don’t know if he understands that, yet and if he’s supposed to think everything is great because he could have me in his life well, I don’t know if what I can do for him is enough any of the time if life was all candy, I might think that there is hope for me I would have thought that hope was an option before, then I just want to know if he feels the kind of love that I feel for him that it is a kind of love that doesn’t go away I want to know if I should have hope when you talk, you give me reason to have hope and I don’t know if I should but right now I’ll take whatever I can get

Had A Point Maybe you had a point maybe it’s not just me that does the thinking and maybe I have to stand up for myself I know that there are limits and I know what some people are capable of and I want to think that you understand that I know you want me to be happy I know that so maybe I’ll have to take your advice I know I’m supposed to take my time but I don’t have time I want everything and I want it now I know, I know, patience is not one of my virtues and I know there are so many things I want and I know there are so many things I need and I want all my dreams to come true and I’ve always been afraid to ask I don’t know how to ask any more There has been so much going on with me I’ve seen friends dying I’ve seen loved ones dead and they’ve tried to test me too and I fought back and I won and this is all I have to show for it there was so much I wanted I’ve had to shut myself off over and over again and I keep waiting for the happiness to start I don’t know how it starts But thanks for listening to me and thanks for being one of the only people I know that wants to listen who thinks I have something to say I need that sometimes, you know You keep telling me that he is a lucky man because he gets to hold me at night and he can talk to me and he cam touch my hair but he doesn’t well, maybe that is one of my problems Well, I don’t know what the answers are to this little problem of mine and I don’t know if you can help me on this one but well, I don’t know what the “but” is for I guess I should just say thanks thanks for listening, thanks for being supportive, thanks for letting me feel like I’m not the only one in the universe who has feelings, who is human well, thank you for that

Supposed To Be You suggested to me that I should tell him how I feel I’m afraid that I would tell him too much about me And you’re not the first to tell me that okay, you’re the second but now I’m starting to think that on some levels this might be a good idea He called me when he got back in to town last night he must have only been home for five minutes and to me, it’s a good sign that he called he’s either honest or he misses me or something or he thought of me or he was bored I don’t know and whatever the reason is it’s a good thing that he called and i mentioned getting a hotel room for after or “night out” which is tomorrow you know, I said, getting a hotel would be good because then I wouldn’t have to worry about getting home late at least that’s what I told him So I was pushing that line a little farther far enough to still be safe but far enough to still be a risk he said we’d talk about it when he called me today well, he hasn’t called me yet Who knows if we’ll get a hotel room I don’t know but the idea is there and well, that’s something Maybe you were right that I should take my time but I’m an impatient girl and I want the answers yesterday And maybe something will happen with me and him and maybe it won’t be on my terms and maybe I’ll have to get used to that Yes, I know he loves me and yes, I know he has thought about marrying me but there is no ring in my finger and I know he has been confused and I know I want to tell him not to be confused any more and I want to tell him that I’m there for him and if he lets me I’ll be there for him, too So thanks for supporting this all to me, and thanks for suggesting this all to me, all without trying well, so, thank you

A Select Few Things If you wanted me to think of ways, well, I could do that Actually, I could think of a variety of ways But I think you are ready to only think about a few of them As long as you’re thinking about me, well then, think whatever you want I’ve wanted to feel you kissing me I’ve wanted to have your lips on me I’ve wanted so much out of life but I can say that I know I want that There are a lot of things I want but right now I can only think of a few things A select few things I’ve wanted to know that you are willing to give me that because i need to know that you feel that and I need to know that you feel it in the same way I do That you want the same thing I do There’s only so much teasing that a girl can take At least that’s what I hear And I’m not going to tease you about this and I’m not going to make any promises that I don’t promise to keep Because everything I say is a promise to you It’s a promise to my life it’s a promise to our future it’s a promise to our love You better believe in the same things that I believe in Because I don’t like getting my hopes up for nothing So prove me wrong

Called Me Twice there are certain rules that people follow and they claim to have no beliefs of any given subject it’s just that they choose not to think about their beliefs and they choose not to think but I know what people think when they think of me and I know that this one person says he’s concerned but my phone isn’t ringing and yes, he called me once since I’ve been trapped in this cage he hasn’t called me twice

In The Room that sounds like such an unhappy message you leave on your answering machine maybe i’m reading too much into this maybe you’re unhappy with her and you don’t want to give any wrong impressions to anyone who calls but I haven’t heard from you in so long and the message on the answering machine well, it isn’t happy I wonder what you’re like when you are happy when you’re interested in talking and you want to smile more and you want to live more I want to know you when you’re like that maybe you act that way when you’re around me it’s been so long since I’ve talked to you I can’t say that I know for sure or maybe if you were happy around me well, maybe you were just acting that way to impress me or to make you feel better about yourself or to impress someone else in the room I don’t know

It’s Only The Tip there are too many things that I want to say, but after all these years I’ve forgotten how to speak I’ve wanted to tell you how I feel but I’ve always been afraid to do that and I’ve always been afraid of looking like a fool looking like a fool? well, I mean, having ideas that others don’t agree with you know what I mean well, maybe you don’t, but now you see why I haven’t been able to tell you everything and now I’m afraid that it’s too late too late for me and now I’m going to have to live with the knowledge of what I know and I’ll have no one to share that knowledge with I want someone to share that knowledge with me I want someone to spend their life with me I know I should have wanted that before but I’m telling you, at least I’m trying to tell you now and I’m still afraid to tell all this to you and this is only the tip of the ice berg it’s only the tip

Learn To Do That Too Maybe there isn’t much of a chance for us but other people get to think about these things other people get to have hopes other people can function that way so maybe I can learn maybe I can too Yeah, maybe I think you are cute well, you’re a cute guy, you know and you’ve been judged on that before I know that’s happened to me too and maybe you’re something to pass the time with to me and maybe I like the positive attention you give me maybe I need that, you know I know we don’t have a lot in common I know that on many things we disagree I know that you’d find a lot of my beliefs well, infuriating well, maybe you still do maybe you’ve been able to shut all that off and like me anyway maybe that’s what people do maybe I can learn to do that too

A beacon alone I know I’m meant to be standing alone I’ve dine it all my life and I’m fully used to the feeling and I’ve been living without anyone for so long and I wanted to let you know that I’m used to that and I can do it on my own and I don’t need someone to help me pick up the pieces and I don’t need someone to wipe my nose or tell me how and when to brush my teeth and comb my hair and fold my clothes. Have I said this to you before? Probably. Do I think this needs repeating? Usually. Then no one gets get what I want and what I do. But this is what I’ve been used to all my life, this rejection, this feeling like I’m supposed to be this way, this feeling that there’s no chance for me. You might think it. The rest of the world does. But let me tell you once, in the easiest way I know how, let me tell you that I am strong and I know what I need and I know what to do and I’ve been fine on my own all of this time. Maybe I’ve been just waiting for someone to come along and make it all better for me. Well, maybe that’s my job, to do what I’ve been planning, and someone else will notice that you don’t have to do it like everyone else. I don’t know if I’m a beacon, but it’s nice to think of me that way, whether of not it’s accurate. I don’t know if I’m a beacon. But for now, it’s nice to think of me that way. I wonder when someone will notice my differences. I wonder when someone will think I’m different. I wonder when someone will notice

Did you know I was watching? Did you know I was watching? you know, i watch you when i’m sitting in the corner and you’re in your circle. you know the circle, the ring around you that’s what I’ve been trying to avoid and I’ve done a pretty good job of it, haven’t I

Do That For Me Then Is there someone around who is designed to tell everyone what the problems are, and what you have to do to solve them people like that would have been found a while ago, if they existed there would be no more violence, there would be a loving caring feeling among people of different beliefs maybe people wouldn’t have such strong beliefs That’s where the problems come from The problems come from having ideas, having theories, thinking they’re the right ideas, and then acting on those ideas without checking your premises to see if they were even the right ideas I’ve done that I’ve hoped, maybe it wasn’t exactly hope, but I thought, that everything would fall into place and everything would have a happy ending for me I’ve discovered that after all of these years those happy endings haven’t come around, and that there is no reason to have hope But on sone levels it’s true People want someone to deliver flowers to them, for no reason, other than because you wouldn’t expect it and it would be nice People could say something nice to you, out of the blue, to brighten your day Wouldn’t it be nice is someone you knew came up to you to tell you they loved you? I mean, you know they love you, and you love them, but sometimes it’s nice to hear I think men don’t get that They don’t remember that women like nice things for them, even if it’s not expensive if it’s not something they’d normally think to do I like nice things done for me I want someone to call me when they said they would I want someone to tell me I’m worth something I’ve wanted that for years I’m tired of wanting things

everyone else does it it’s funny how you get an image in your head as to how to want to lead your life, and you have these ideas, and maybe they’re not like anyone else’s ideas, but is it funny that you think this way Well, would you get tired of thinking that way if everyone else thought something different well, you probably would start thinking differently, but what would you do with those ideas, once you have them? Would you just throw those thoughts into the trash, into the garbage, you could do that you know, I know they’re just your ideas, but everyone else does that, you could do it too.

Get The Idea I hate having to be the voice of reason, but here goes you have to do nice things okay, you knew that, but you don’t think about the nice things and maybe that could be part of the solution you think, I can take a girl out to dinner but have you ever cleaned up the living room so you could have dinner there and it would seem like a restaurant you could give her flowers but if it’s near Valentine’s Day, don’t bother but give them on a weekday when she doesn’t expect it and tell her you got them for her because you thought of her and you thought she deserved them well, there are other examples but I won’t get into them now I think you get the idea

Pleasure and Pain Sometimes I wonder what defines the line between pleasure and pain Sometimes they are not terribly easy to tell apart, you know, someone may say something nice to lure in the average joe, but the next day they’ll turn around to stab you in the back I’ve seen people on the verge of dying and on the verge of getting new life It may be a problem that they and sort of fell down to him You’ll have to ask them, in order to find out. Some people who never learned how to stop drinking, well, maybe they never learned how to solve their own problems or maybe it was because they never wanted to deal with a problem and preferred escapism

Someone Like Me There are many things that make me angry But underneath it all, there is a reason for me to go on I could spend the rest of my life alone, I could find no one who would want to weather out the days with me Every once in a while I find someone who is worth the struggle, someone who tells me the truth, someone who lives by the same rules as I do In all my life, in all that I’ve seen, I’ve found one man who lives by those thruths, who acts that way I thought I thought I found another, and they continually let me down That’s what society does for you, I suppose so I found another I found someone who lived the way I do He loved the same things and I did and got aggravated at the same things that I did He didn’t push it, he knew when to stop badgering someone, so he like me was used to being alone When you see a glimmer of that you think he must be right There must be someone out there life me The truth is a powerful tool If you want to believe what someone says, well, you just believe it, And with that you carry all the baggage that you don’t like thinking that it’s okay, that at least you have the basics covered Even if you don’t have the basics covered, Sometimes the answers aren’t there, sometimes you’re lied to so you can believe what you want to believe You know, there are so many times where people have told me something to make me feel better It’s strange to have ideas I think it’s strange because no one thinks about their ideas or their morals Am I the only one? Well maybe Maybe I’m meant to be alone I know everyone will tell me I’m not meant to be alone, that I could have any one I wanted But I don’t went everyone There are very few people that I like And they are they ones that hurt me when they let me down But the thing is, sometimes you see that glimmer of hope, and before you’re told otherwise, you think that this is a good move and you found someone you like If only there was someone out there to inform you of bad choices you can make, or choices in things that you haven’t made yet, or maybe if we only had a little angel telling us, “You know, that wasn’t a good idea. Get over it.” Maybe that’s what we need Sometimes it’s hard for us to notice all the things that we want to change and all the things we want to do and something even when we have all the right ideas we can still make bad decisions Is it possible to make bad decisions? Yes I have done it Usually I don’t talk about my bad decisions with people, I think of them as just stepping stones, ways to remember all the mistakes I made and all the problems I had Well, now that I think about it, maybe we don’t need an angel watching over us all the time Maybe we just have to depend on ourselves It gets to be a lot of work, doing things for yourself, but it is possible, if you’re willing to try I think you just have to get a point in your head where you can’t take any more of something, and that’s when you just have to cut the ties Where you have to look at things and think, yes, you misjudged things, Eric is not the man of your dreams, get over it, accept the fact that you’re going to be alone, and move on Well, I just made up the name Eric here, maybe you need to think about someone else and what they’ve done to you Because I could tell you about the pain that people have given to me But some of it might have been my own pain, because I wanted to believe that everything was right Over the past few years I’ve learned that there’s no consolation in knowing the answer you have is not always the right answer So maybe the key is to come up with a few answers And don’t ever put all your hopes into just one answer

the hunter and the fox I’ve been a hunter, you know I’ve been working at it for a while I’ve gotten pretty good at it I’ve been looking for the right prey all this time someone I could dominate isn’t that my role, you konw Ive been looking for an animal for a fox someone that would be a good show-piece I’ve been looking all this time and I’m still looking so where is he

Thinks That Through I wonder how many times I’ve gone through this. I always want something and I never get it. Each time it happens, I just remind myself that I have to kill a little part of me and just go on without what I want There are some things we don’t have control over How other people act is one of the things we don’t have control over Does that mean I deserve different treatment Well, I think I deserve it Apparently no one else thinks that through I’ve been wanting all of the pieces to fall into place for me At this rate, I’m going to have to try to put all the pieces in place for myself At this rate, I’m not going to get what I want, I’m going to always be ten years late in having needs and wants and I’m going to ever get them, because for my usual problems, well, people got over that ten tears ago What did I want A happy ending, one I wouldn’t have to work so hard to get. That hasn’t happened yet I wonder if other people think like this I wonder if I’m the only one who thinks like this Will I be the only one hurting from the same things

Afraid of Telling The Truth I don’t know if I’m supposed to have a lot of thoughts jumping around in my head. I don’t know if I think about him too much, or if I’m supposed to think about him at all There are only so many hopes that you can basically have in life, and I’ve turned off most of my hopes I can be afraid of telling the truth, and if there’s anyone that can handle it, that can quote unquote “handle it,” well then, I guess that person would be me. So in this case, I suppose it’s irrelevant that I want you and that I need you too, and it’s probably irrelevant now that I want you to play along with this little part in my life, and that you should take all of my troubles away. My fear is that I’ll scare you away, I’ll scare you away if I tell you the truth So am I supposed to just sit here in silence and wait?

By Who I Don’t Know they told me that I needed to know what to do if there was a problem I didn’t know they’d make a problem out of trying to tell me now who do I get my nightmares from? are your problems from the people in the nightmares that should have given me that pain or do my nightmares come from you are you the one that gave me that pain without trying maybe you were trying maybe you weren’t I can’t think of it that way even after all these years I just have to think that mistakes were made by who, I don’t know

Crazy Women Talking: This Much I’ve Learned I’m beginning to think that the guy-side of me is supposed to be the side that makes all the decisions, that knows what is right and what isn’t People look at men differently than they do at women This much I’ve learned So maybe if I told you all the things that went through my head and I said it like I was a guy, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad then maybe you could handle the news then Maybe I could tell you that there’s this girl I know her name is Janet and she can’t be strong all the time and she doesn’t know how to speak sometimes Maybe I could tell you that she needs attention and she needs to be helped but here’s the punch line: she doesn’t need it from just anyone she needs that from you Maybe she wants to cry and she doesn’t know who to cry to anymore because she has no one and she needs someone and the thing is, she needs that someone to be you And I know, I could say, I know that some of this doesn’t make sense and that some of it just sounds like a crazy woman talking but sometimes, that’s what women are But crazy or not, man, (that’s what I would say to him) crazy or not, is it worth it to deal with it? That’s what I would as a man have to ask you Isn’t it worth it sometimes? Maybe then, for a minute, after I get all of this out, maybe then I could stop acting like a guy and just be a girl for a while and maybe then you would listen and maybe then you would know what to do for me and maybe then you could be the guy and take control and make a decision so that I don’t have to make all the decisions because I want you to make some of the decisions too

Creatures Can Live In Worlds okay, it’s one thing to say that whales are not smarter than humans because they can’t build buildings and if you want to think of it on just those levels well, then, you have every right but all people can think when you say that is that whales don’t have opposable thumbs and they live in water which I guess makes the construction of building a little difficult we forget to think that creatures can live in words or worlds that are different from our own

For The Moment Sometimes I wish there was more I could do for you. Maybe that’s just the pacifist in me, but sometimes I feel the need to help people out that are in trouble Usually though most people are in such trouble that my simple worrying about then isn’t going to help them out or anything Oh, I know that didn’t make any real sense, but it sort of did when I thought about all of the problems that happen to the average person on an average day sometimes I just see what a person is going through, and I want to make all their problems go away for one brief moment, that would make me feel a little better for the moment

Frisbee By The Lake They’re playing out in the yard because that is what they’re supposed to do they’re playing with a Frisbee by Lake Michigan, on the other side of Lake Shore Drive and that part interests them, too because this is new to them and they don’t mind that the Frisbee wobbles when it goes through the air oh wait, it’s not a Frisbee, it’s an “ultimate disk” those differences matter to some people, you know well? does it matter to me? no. but I should care, because I’m supposed to care so now they’re playing Frisbee by the lake and this is new to them even though I called it a Frisbee and not a disk and I can hear the cars on the expressway and when you live here, you don’t think about the cars, they’re just a background noise but now to me they sound like a symphony, and it’s like music to my ears and maybe right now there are things that I don’t hate all the time I have to learn to hate less. And I have to learn to like more, and not complain so much Maybe I do like the beach Boys and maybe I can practice at Frisbee I know, I know, it’s ultimate, not Frisbee maybe the Water Tower ain’t so bad after all and maybe Navy Pier , well maybe I can deal with that too Give it time. And maybe

Have To Ask Elissa was surprised she was surprised that I thought that Eugene didn’t have a photo of me in his wallet but she never told me why she was surprised so I’ll have to ask

Is it just me Is it just me I remember how you used to be and how you’d pay attention to me and how you’d do nice things and how you wouldn’t forget to call me back or how you wouldn’t forget what was important to me Is it just me or do you do this to other people too or do other people get used to it or do other just assume you’ll forget them that’s what people are supposed to do now, right Is it just me or are you on time with other people or is it just me that you’re ignoring because I’ve been in this hole for a while and I’ve needed someone to listen to my problems and I’ve needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay and I’ve got no one telling me that now Is it just me is there anything you can do to help yourself because I lost hope for you a while ago well, I haven’t lost hope but I’m getting close

Janet Being Alone I know there that are certain thing that I have wanted I know I’m picky and I know I need attention and love and support and all this time I thought I could get that from you and you know, I’ve been let down before I’ve dealt with liars full time and there have been so many times where I’ve had to adjust my truths and my perceptions and there have been so many times where I’ve had to adjust my schedule and you know, I’ve had to adjust my schedule for you, too but I still had a schedule there and I thought that you would come around and eventually somehow adhere to it maybe I’m getting tired of being let down maybe I’m tired of all the bad things happening to me maybe I’ve had to keep to myself all this time maybe I thought that you wouldn’t do that to me too maybe I wanted to see you and it wasn’t that I wanted to see your family and I’m getting used to wanting to see your family but I don’t know what I’m trying for if you’re now even going to be there I don’t know what to expect any more I don’t know what to do any more if you’re not even listening so I’ve had to learn how to be alone that hasn’t been the easy part to my job there have been a lot of parts to this job that aren’t easy and I was hoping for good news I was hoping for someone to understand I have been hoping for that light at the end of the tunnel sometimes I can learn from something I can understand something that can make me happy and all this time, I thought that something was you I thought you were my light at the end of the tunnel that’s another thing I’ve had to learn to change too I don’t know how much nicer I can be and I don’t know how many times I’m going to get kicked in the teeth for it and no, I’ve come to realize that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me that the waiting isn’t enough and no, I can not sit around and wait for you any more I have to just move on I don’t know what I’m moving to but I have to be moving to something

Makes Me Love To Hate You More Over the course of my lifetime There has been so many things That I have wanted And maybe the problem is with the urgency They say I’m worth it and They say you’d want me too Because as they say, You’d be a fool not to but the problem is I want everything now And because this isn’t all up to me I lose control in the process I know this doesn’t make sense to you The way I’m saying these things But it makes perfect sense to me and I don’t know if I’m supposed to just Spell it you for you Because I’m tired of having to spell everything out When all I want to do is think I know I am an inpatient little wench And maybe you think that when I am angry And my love for you will fade But You’ve taken this all from me anyway Well, so far you have And maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder And maybe it doesn’t And maybe it makes me love to hate you more I just know that with my track record I have to value the people around me And you have to know that I care That is my punishment for what I have been through Maybe it will change Maybe I’ll get used to waiting for you Maybe I’ll get used to wanting you, too

Maybe You Can 1 there was so much that I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how to get the words out and there was so much that I wanted to live and there was more that I wanted to live with you and I don’t know if anyone understands that I’ve been angry, hurt, confused I’ve even been smart, smarter than people like to admit and there are many pieces to my puzzle that I think are missing and I don’t know if you can help me with that well, maybe you can I’ve wanted attention for years and I’ve never been given enough and I’ve wanted someone to take charge of life even though I am strong, even though I have my head on my shoulders we women could use that help every once in a wile so maybe it was just that I wanted someone to tell me I was worth something, and that I was intelligent and that I was beautiful I feel like I’ve lived a hard enough life, in some respects, and I think it’s my turn to enjoy life for once, why can’t that happen for me? 2 I’ve gotten good over the years at being a good liar when I have to be. And no one has to know - and no one can know - when I’m lying or when I’m telling the truth. As I said, I’m good at it. Well, I have to be good at something, right? Well, maybe I don’t have the answers to everything. But I’ve been trying. And no one can know how hard I tried at this game. 3 It’s good to know you were worried about me at least I had that effect on you, at least I still have power but I know you’re still with her and I know you’ve been with other women and I know that you probably haven’t thought about me - much well, those are the responses I expect and that is usually the correct answer anyway I’m sure you weren’t planning to save money and get a job and well, support me for the rest of our lives I didn’t expect that of you and you know, I didn’t expect that of anyone, for that matter no, I haven’t expected any answers, even, I haven’t expected that for years. But now I want a change and I want someone to know that and I want someone to do something about it and I don’t think that will come from you

My Turn I want to get married. Have I mentioned that before I know it doesn’t make much sense for me to say it, I could have been married for years now One person asked for my hand in marriage. I even got a ring out of the proposal I still have that ring my excuse was that the ring was also a Christmas gift But I can’t imagine anything ever working out in my life, and I can’t imagine anyone with any value wanting to share their life with me too It would be nice to have the ceremony, and the flowers at the aisles, and the bride and the bridesmaids could carry flowers too And the men would have corsages, too I wonder if they would have to pin their own flowers on their tuxedos or if someone would have to help them and do it for them I don’t know enough about marriages so I would have to ask Maybe I’d have something written or said during the wedding And I would make sure that the musician wouldn’t play any music I wouldn’t want to hear on my wedding I don’t know what the food would be like at the reception I’d have to plan that out when I actually have the hope of getting married, I guess I have no idea of what the honeymoon would be like, either I don’t know what kind of place I’d want to go to for my honeymoon Someplace I haven’t been. Someplace no one else would plan a vacation to go to My father is arguing about an insurance bill with someone over the phone now This is what I’m reduced to Listening to conversations that may or may not have something to do with me I’m wondering when it’s going to be my turn I’m wondering when the bad news for me if going to stop I’m wondering if there’s any chance I won’t always be alone I’m wondering if there’s anyone out there for me When does it become my turn

Needy Person There are so many things that I’ve wanted to say to you I’m too afraid would you know what I wanted too say Then you would have treated me differently I’m not joking when I say I love you, and I don’t mean the l word the way most people mean it. I wanted to spend my life with you, and I wanted you to want that, too. I wanted you to feel the kind of passion I’ve felt I’ve wanted you to make that effort for me. I’ve wanted to be able to have that life with you and I’ve never wanted to tell you that I’ve wanted you to just know What if something happened to me, what if I couldn’t talk, or what if I died? Would you know the things I think? Probably not Maybe you’d have an idea Maybe you’re just used to not having to think about things life this But I do Yes, this is what I think about. You’re tall, have blonde hair and blue eyes. You’re not perfect, but neither am I. I’ve been able to get past all the imperfections with you, but are you capable of doing that for me? I’m a needy person sometimes and sometimes my needs seem obvious and you never notice that I need you never think there’s anything you can do to make me life better. maybe I try and work like a giant and am good at what I do but maybe sometimes I can’t do it alone and that’s what I need you for

Not For Me Yet There are so many things that I want to remember and so many things I want to remember about you I don’t know if I choose to remember things in a certain way or if I see them the way everyone else does I’m sure it’s not like that I’m sure I come into any given situation with certain ideas with certain hopes with certain fears and all the hopes and fears never happen that way for me I’m used to that too, you know You started to rub my back today before you guys were about to take the long drive home and I even had to say out loud that I didn’t want this to end that I was enjoying this too much well, I knew it was because I wanted you near me and I didn’t know how to ask for that and I didn’t want to tell you that you shouldn’t go I had no security yet from you I had no assurances yet either and nothing was resolved not for me yet And I always have hopes I know that I do and I know that all my hopes never amount to anything and you’ll always look at life differently this I know but that doesn’t mean that I can’t hope things are different I can’t hope that yet

Right In Front Of Me I’m tired of being alone so much and I’m tired of missing you and I’m tired of wanting a future with you and I’m tired of wanting you around me sometimes I think when I’m about to go to sleep that the extra pillow next to me in my bed, well, that extra pillow could be you as I said, maybe I’m just dying for attention maybe I’ve been looking for the wrong kind of attention maybe everything what I was looking for was right in front of me all along

Suspend My Beliefs and I don’t know what the answers are supposed to be anymore I’m tired of looking for the answers sometimes, you know and sometimes I just want someone to come along and tell me that everything is going to be okay and that they are going to be there for me and that they’ll take care of me and that they’ll love me and when i say love, I don’t mean the kind of garbage that you hear people say to each other when they don’t even know what love is I’m talking real love, lifetime love the kind of love that doesn’t go away well, as I was saying, I want someone to come along and tell me that everything is going to be okay and that everything will get better and you know, just hearing someone say that and mean it would be enough I’d be able to suspend my beliefs for a moment so what should I make out of this world what should I make out of this world that doesn’t make sense what should I make out of it I can hope, I suppose but I’ve done that for years and it gets me no where this whole belief thing in things you have no proof of really doesn’t get you anywhere I’ve learned that much So what do I want I want someone to come along and let me not think for a while someone to come along and excite me and make me feel alive and make me feel that I’m safe I haven’t felt that in so long I’ve wanted you to be a part of my life in so many ways for so many years now and I think I’ve wanted it for so long and I’ve never told you well, maybe I should have told you when you would have wanted to hear it so many years ago and then maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely for you and maybe I wouldn’t want so much more from you and maybe then things would be different

Telling What you Want And Hearing What You Want there are many things you’ve got to learn about how to deal with other people and how to talk to other people and some of the rules seem obvious and some of them take a little getting used to to tell a man how to talk to a woman, well, you might as well tell them to read war and peace and maybe that would be easier for that matter, tell a woman how to talk to a man and it’s like telling her that she can’t go shopping anymore it’s just that drastic for her and if there was a handy guide to tell you how to deal with other people well, that would make people get along so much better when someone wants to hear something is it that hard to actually tell them what they want to hear? or is it that traumatic for you to say the words you want to say or are you just too scared

The Same For You there are certain things I’ve learned in life and the are certain things I have wanted and I’ve gotten used to never getting what I want I’m used to that now and yes maybe my standards are different from the average guy’s standards you would have to ask the average guy that and I am at the point where I am getting used to not getting married when I want to I mean, at the rate I am going I may just not get married, I guess and yes, I have been told that you must be a lucky guy because you get the chance to hold me and give me attention and all that other gushy stuff but you have not wanted to take that chance that is something I have learned too and you kissed me last night and I kissed you too and for me, well, that was with all the hassle and aggravation of not being around you in your mind in the first place maybe it is not the same for you I do not know well, we made the comical references of having sex for hours and we knew we were both saying it in jest and so nothing ever happened and if that is the way it is got to be well, then, I can deal with that, too *** I have learned to deal with a lot of things in my life some are good, some are bad but now all I want is some good news and I want you to fill in the pieces and make everything better for me and maybe you do not have the answers well, I know I don’t have the answers and maybe you have problems that you are fed up with and maybe I want to make all those problems go away for you and maybe you worry about things that you should not worry about because of our miscommunications *** I told you that maybe it was the accident maybe it was my lack of a car maybe it was my desperate need for attention well, attention from you you know what I mean but I told you that I wanted to be held And I noticed that after I told you that you held me more, and you hugged me more, and maybe it is just me reading into things and maybe you were actually thinking of me well, either way, thank you for that because there are only so many times where I got nothing from you before I lose my mind yes, we didn’t have the night of my dreams and yes, I ask too many questions to you sometimes and maybe it is for the best that last night was not the night of my dreams because I have to get used to that, you know

Things I’ve Needed I got a massage the other day it was one of those chairs that they sell in the store that rub your back having it on display there is the store excuse to call the sample “a selling tool” well, I sat in the chair and I’m getting to the point where I think it’s worth the cost so that I can get a massage any time I want to all I’d have to do (after I get the chair) is pay the electricity that can’t be too much and sometimes you need something good to happen to you because sometimes you deserve it and there are a lot of things I’ve deserved and maybe you’re one of those things and maybe you could reach around and move my hair out of the way and kiss the back of my neck because I don’t think they have a massage chair that can do that I don’t think the massage chair can give me attention and that is something I’ve needed well, there are a lot of things I’ve needed I’ve wanted to be able to curl up to go to bed and know that you’re there in bed too just so I have you to lean on you lose sight of things like that unless you get used to being alone I don’t need to hear you complaining I probably do enough complaining for the both of us I don’t want to field the phone calls for your business I don’t want to do your laundry come to think of it, I don’t even WANT to do MY laundry

Want That Too You Know I have heightened awareness I have this tendency to notice the details and I know, maybe I have this heightened sense of awareness I don’t know what it is but what I’ve noticed is something other people wouldn’t notice I’ve noticed when you say something in passing and maybe you didn’t mean anything by it well, I noticed the double meaning and maybe you weren’t trying to give me any double meaning maybe I’m just being too aware maybe I need attention from you maybe I want to hear you say nice words to me maybe I want something to work out for me we women want that too, you know

Which I Like You know I know that you think about me because I think, and I know you think and I think about these things And you know you’re the only person around here I feel comfortable talking to, because you listen, you listen to my ideas, and you talk to me And you know, I know no one wants to think, and people would rather settle for brainless activity I know this. Does it mean there’s a reason that we’re together I don’t know I know that my reason to exist is to make people think And, as for you, well, it works, which I like

well, someone is where do you draw the time over what is too much and what is not enough I’ve been thinking about that really, I’ve been thinking about you and I’ve been wondering how much thinking is too much and how much is not nearly enough where do you draw that line you never want to see me and yes, I’m beginning to get used to that maybe that’s what I should be thinking that I can be used to you not caring maybe you don’t know that I care well, I told you you must have just changed your mind or lied to me one of the other and I don’t like either option we were supposed to have a happy life together we were supposed to get married remember us talking about it? I’m sure you don’t remember. I do. I remember But now you don’t think of marriage that’s one of your little ways to let me know how you feel and yes, I’m beginning to understand and I’m beginning to feel it are you trying to make me feel this way well, someone is

Well, What About Me How can I say goodbye to you when you don’t even know I was looking for you when you weren’t even listening have I been letting myself down all this time have I been hoping for something that wasn’t there I’ve just wanted to be alive and I don’t know if that means anything to you people tell me they care and you know, if I died they’d cry for a few days and then they would get used to the fact that I was gone yes, I’ve thought of that the person that thinks too much who is a perfectionist and a bitch she has thought all of that too I know you want to make everything better for everyone I know you want everyone to be happy I know you want to try to do everything so that everyone is appeased but what about me? I’ve wanted those things and that doesn’t mean I get them I don’t know what to do anymore for your problems and I don’t know that if I had planned on spending the rest of my life with you if you would change I can’t be your beacon anymore I need a beacon for me, you know and it’s not going to be just anyone because I want too much but I’m trying to learn that that beacon isn’t going to be you anymore, either I know what you have to do to make your life better but I can’t tell you that because I have to draw the time somewhere because I’m tired of giving all the time and getting nothing in return

And It Was Fun One thing that I thought was kind of cool was that when my sister and her husband and son came into town the son, my nephew, he wanted to go swimming even though it was night time and you were not supposed to swim then and I had not been in the pool yet, at least not this week, so I thought swimming at night would be a good reason to actually go swimming so I did and it was fun

And It’s Wide My sister gave me a few things to look forward to while I’m on vacation because usually when people hear you’re going to florida they say, well, you’ll be able to enjoy the sun and all i can say is but i don’t want to i guess that’s what makes me weird but my sister reminded me that while i was there i could use the garden bath tub that’s in the bathroom and I never think about bath tubs because I’m so tall, you see and I always get cold in them because they are always too small abd because i never fit in them but there’s this one bath tub in my parent’s bed room and it’s wide, and it’s deep and for just a few minutes in the day you can close yourself off to the rest of the world and well, enjoy the bath tub which ain’t a bad deal, you know sometimes you just need someone around to remind you of the good stuff because there are so many times where you don’t think of the good stuff because sometimes well, sometimes the good stuff is worth thinking about

But I Won’t have you ever driven a truck before? that is something i have wanted to ask, and it seems like a silly question, because when you think of truck drivers you think of people who live on the road and drive semi trucks and you probably don’t know many people like that, so you probably would just answer no but the view from a truck like that, well, it’s higher and you feel like no one could hurt you because even if they hit you with their car there’s a good chance they’ll get more damage than you will they key to driving a truck is basically what the truck comes with and how it handles the road and i could probably give you more explanations but i won’t But what i’d say is that if you ever got a chance to drive one just for a bit, just so you can say you have, well, as long as you think it’s safe well, do it then just so you can say you have there are many things you want to do in life and there are many things you want to accomplish jumping our of an airplane might be an example my philosophy is well, don’t do something dangerous but if you get the chance to do something well, do it take that chance because you don’t know how many other chances you’ll get

But It Is Cute Every time I go to the lake well, sometimes I take a golf cart and sometimes I just walk there well, every time I go to the lake I fewd the fish and yes, I make small pieces so that the little fish have a chance yes, so that they have a chance to be big fish and eat other fish survival of the fittest, I suppose well, every once in a while one big fish makes his move he watches the little fish eat for a while then the big fish moves quickly and tries to eat a little fish they move so fast maybe they catch one maybe they miss but every once in a while a little fish in trying to get away from the attacking big fish well, every once in a while a little fish end up at the side of the lake out of the water flopping around and when I get to see that I think to myself, well, wait, and see if that little fish flops his way back into the water which he does you can call this scene something like divine intervention something like, the little fish was smart enough to get back into the water and maybe the fish was just flopping around until it was able to breathe again but it is cute cruel, but cute

But You Know What I Mean When we were sitting in the water and the water was warm and it was like being in a bath tub well, a bath tub with chlorine and a light at the side and it was not like you could be naked in it or anything but you know what I mean but when we were sitting in the water we were looking at the sky for a bit it was hard because it was not dark enough because it is always better when there are no lights on and you are not in a mayor city or anything we were just talking about how much we loved astronomy and we loved to look at stars and we know where they are supposed to be in the sky the stars and what about cloud formations that are the galaxy we are in there is so much to know about astronomy and I think it is the science of it that makes us love it so much you know, my old telescope is in the house here and I think this is all a good excuse to get it outside at night and eventually use it

Deal With That Over The Years Okay, I know I am a tall girl And apparently most men are shorter than me And I’ve had to learn to deal with that Over the years And no, it is not like you are Just over five feet tall You’re not short And I wasn’t even looking at your height Even though you are just about as tall as me I was too busy thinking that you were cute And I was too busy liking having to have a conversation with you And I liked how you flirted with me And I liked that even when you talked to me Even when it did not seem like flirting Well, even when we were just talking Well, I liked that, too and yes, I know I am a tall girl but I never thought that you were too short and I never thought you were not adorable In fact, I thought that I liked you and I thought maybe you liked me too and no, I never thought about your height

Do You Still Want To See Me I should not be angry That you have not called me I should learn to expect that I know, I know, you have a job And I am on vacation But do you still want to see me You did not promise to call I just hoped And maybe it is just me that was let down I know I have a lot going on in my life I know there is a lot out there And I seldom get to enjoy that So that would be why I was looking forward to hearing from you well, I was We got two messages on the answering machine Today, both just hang ups And that could have been you trying But if it was, you didn’t leave a message Well, I can at least hope, you know And I can say that I have been thinking about you And that I have wanted you And in such a short time I think it is possible that I can miss you too And I want to learn more about you And I want to have more memories with you And I want to be able to learn from you And I want someone to teach me something And that someone could be you

Each Morning it is like a contest me and the sky I stare out at the horizon until it gets up and comes to embrace me I feel it, I swear I make believe it is my father This is known as genetics I go through this each morning I think this each morning

Feel So Much There are some points where you just have to stop caring about things Well, maybe I care about too much stuff and that is why I have to stop myself Sometimes you just have to draw a line to separate yourself from other people because you can care too much and sometimes others don’t care enough It’s hard to draw that line, you know because to say that you don’t care any more is like killing a part of yourself Well, I’ve been doing that for years am I dead yet Does it seem cruel to want to kill a part of yourself Maybe But does it seem cruel to feel so much

First I walked to the tight rope through a decision in the fact that now who has that much will to live, to their life, to all life that just one step could come and they would be carried down. I could tight rope, I had thoughts when I would see the tight rope walkers go I had thoughts that they would hold on to an extra rope, when they should keep their arms free. would a man decide on a tight rope well, decide to play it safe and just once hold on to a rope? I mean, if I was somebody else, and it was just me and that simple white light? I would wonder if people like that would ever get to that place. can’t it - can any I wonder why I’ll let get to that point, like right before that moment, when you think you’re going to fall.

Genuinely Tired Of Looking you want my Christmas wish well, here it is I have wanted things to work out for me and not kick me in the teeth There is so much I have wanted out of life And there is so little that I have received And I am getting tiered of looking I am genuinely tired of looking

Getting Used To Something New It is like, they let me take the golf cart to drive around the park, and I am thinking, Jeez, I have not been driving a car for months so why are they giving me this cart? And they tell me not to speed with the cart, and I am thinking, I can not speed on the seventy five mile per hour speedways when that is the speed limit, that is when I am only going seventy three miles per hour. I do not think I would get in trouble if I broke the break-neck speed of ten miles per hour in the golf cart It is just a theory I guess it is just a matter of getting used to something new It has been years since I was in the park in Florida and I had to drive a golf cart Maybe it is just a matter of getting used used to something new.

Given A Warning Early On this is a warning: the operation can continue, but the files you are trying to save should not be recovered on the same disk because you may not in the future be able to access other files what they’re trying to say is that what you want to save you might write over something you’ll want in the future well, i can’t see any of my files and I can’t solve any of my problems and I don’t know what my choices are I wish instructions for life were written on note cards, in readable formats, the way instructions are written on a computer program you’ve never used the decisions you’d have to make wouldn’t seem so daunting when you’re given a warning early on

Going To A Rock Concert Okay, so I know I’m an old lady at least I feel that way some of the time but I went to a concert last night and it was for a band that I wanted to see that I had seen before and yes, I was dying to get out of the house and yes, I wanted to be in a new and different place and I got that and everyone that was there was a good ten to twenty years younger than me unless of course, they were going with a parent and when David Gahan would turn around on stage all the girls would scream and that’s when I realized how old I was I mean, was I that way when I was ten years younger? well, maybe I was Do I want to see this guy’s butt when he turns around on stage? well, maybe I don’t I guess performers like that make moves like that to make all the little girls scream well, I don’t know what the little girls were thinking to see the stars of their dreams that they bought tickets to see with money they didn’t earn and got from their parents instead well, I don’t know what the little girls were thinking well, maybe they were thinking that this time things could be different for them and maybe they would get a chance to meet the stars and maybe they would become a famous singer too well, maybe a famous groupie that’s probably a more appropriate guess well, I don’t know what they were thinking I know what I was thinking and I thought, boy, these people are really being silly I’m not that old, mind you, but that’s what I was thinking maybe that’s what I was supposed to think

Good Things Have Happened to Me Too I’ve wanted to baul my eyes out but I don’t think I have the emotion in me any longer. My share of bad things has happened to me, and I can say that the good things have happened to me too But when you’re like me all you can think about is the bad stuff, and you can fixate on that, it doesn’t matter how many months go by, or years, or whatever, but you get my point My point is that the bad stuff is there, and there’s nothing you’re going to be able to do to get rid of the bad stuff You can try to deal with it with a good attitude, or you can have a temper-tantrum every time something bad happens to you, or you can try to take all the bad stuff for as long as you can I don’t know how you deal with that pain I suppose that bauling your eyes out with a problem would help for now, but the problem is not going to get any easier just because you cry No, the bad stuff doesn’t go away The key is to be able to figure out how to make all of the bad stuff go away, like it was never there in the first place Well, I don’t know if anyone has been able to figure that out yet I suppose there has to be some way to make yourself just blink and then you can forget all the bad stuff People for the most part have been able to do that most of their lives Unless they kill themselves first, But I’m not even going to go there That just seems like too touchy of a subject to even come near. So I guess the burning question is to figure out how to make all the bad stuff go away, like it was never there in the first place Well, it seems that no one so far has come up with a way to figure out how to do that If anyone has an idea, let me know. Thanks.

Gotten To That Part So am I the only person who thinks about all the unanswered questions and am I the only one that thinks everyone is in trouble and that no one tries to make it better am I the only one that thinks that way I don’t want to have to be the only one, you know I want someone to come along and save the day for ME and make MY life better somehow because I have not figured that part out yet I have not learned the skill of mastering other people’s minds I have not gotten to that part of it yet

Happy New Year, Janet So this is how the year ends for me I’ve got one guy interested in me Well, maybe two and I have another couple of million That, well, aren’t interested. Kind of like last year It’s a shame That I had to go through so much this year And it has all made me think That I should be doing more with my life And I should be experiencing more And I should be living more It’s like there is a little time bomb In my head and it wants to go off And now it’s just biding time I guess that is what I have been doing All of these years too So what do I have to show for it A few more scars Mental and physical ones I suppose I’m healthier That is a funny way to look at things, though the scars and I don’t know what I have to show for it All this time people have been telling me That I am worth it And that I have value And it is as if I just don’t want to listen Or I just can’t hear them That’s just how my mind works I guess that is how my life goes I’m one more year closer to the Millennium And I am one more year closer to death It’s like that in a way I have a timer I’m just waiting for everything to happen So, Janet, Happy New Year Hope it is better than last year And hope you get everything you want Happy New Year, Janet

Have You Ever Had Have you ever had a bug sandwich before? I’m sure that your answer is probably no, even though there have probably been a few bugs in your fast food sandwiches you bought But for now, don’t think about that I know when you’re in army training in the United states you have to be prepared for doing things like eating bugs, so I know that some people have emotionally or mentally prepared for eating a bug sandwich That doesn’t mean that anyone wants to buy one, and that doesn’t mean that anyone likes the idea So one year when it was Christmas time, a friend of mine gave me a bug sandwich Only because she thought I had quote unquote everything, but I probably didn’t have a bug sandwich So it wasn’t technically a real sandwich, it had three plastic bugs inside a plastic or rubber slice of bread sandwich. I kept the bug sandwich on top of my fridge for a few years Not two plastic bugs, well, maybe three, are at the bottom of my fish tank So in a way, I still have kept the memory of the bug sandwich alive because now the plastic bugs are hanging out with the fish under water So... If you’re ever wondering what to get for someone for Christmas, if you have to buy a gift for the person who has everything, so to speak, then go to a trick shop and get then a bug sandwich In a strange way, I’m sure they’ll like it

Here’s your chance Sometimes the most unconscious things happen in life Or I guess, I should say that about “my life,” but then I’d sound like I was complaining So I have to keep it all to myself, and I just have to take all of the crap that is dished out to me all the time, and then when I wat to let my anger out no one wants to take the time to listen to me or even act like they’re listening to me I kept my life a secret from the rest of the world for so many years, and now that I feel I have to let out my emotions and my disgust with everything in the world that is so wrong, well then, then no one wants to take the time to be there for me They’d rather bitch back instead of attempt to make any attempts to help That’s my luck I should just get used to it that’s what the world does everyone would rather kick me when I’m down Well, I’m down now This is your chance Go nuts I have been told all of my life by certain people usually the ones that should be considered the smart ones well, I’ve been told by of my life that I should talk more and I should get over my problems and that things will get better when I least expect it Well, things aren’t better, things are just getting worse, and no one can help me through this pain or this anger, and I want to change so many things in my life and no one will let me make any attempts to make my life better If I’m supposed to make a difference in my life and I’m also not allowed to change a god-damned thing in my life either, then I suppose I should just tell you all that this is your chance and you can do with me what you will Nobody knows how to live a life nowadays. The people who know how to

how I imagine you walking on the power line like those success posters I’ve seen you like that before I’ve thought you were worth all of that and more is that silly of me do I dream too much do I imagine you as something better than you are is that how I imagine you

How many times I’ve done it I wonder how long I’ve been like this I wonder how long I’ve been forgetting things where no one has been able to fill in the pieces for me I wonder how many time I’ve gone thought this how many times has it happened in my head where I’ve had to put all the pieces back together I wonder how many times I’ve done it I wonder how crazy I’d sound to always ask for help if someone else will put the pieces together for me maybe then someone would know what I go through and what I think and maybe people would start to think something different of me and maybe then people wouldn’t think i was something special

I Blow Bubbles Imagine planning your life around something you have no control over Imagine losing your job because they didn’t like your performance okay, imagine this: Imagine wanting to blow bubbles whenever you worked at the Champagne factory imagine playing instead of working Imagine you were working at Dom Perignon, near the factory, and if you didn’t care about your job you just wanted to drink so you looked like a drunk whenever the executives checked you out. Imagine when someone asked you what you do, you answered by saying with an ethnic drawl, “I make bubbles.” Or maybe it was “I blow bubbles,” or even “I bleed bubbles.” You get the idea. Are you supposed to sound like you know what you’re talking about when you can only talk about blowing bubbles while you are drunk drinking champagne while you’re at work? That’s something to think about. Do you drink the free champagne?

I Want More Than That What I am thinking is that I am tired of the one night stands And I want something more And yes, I want attention And you gave me that And now I want more than that I do not need attention When it means nothing So now when I have thought of you I have thought that I wanted more Than bland sex And I was hoping you could give that to me the something more can you give me that I have wanted to feel like Someone could give me attention And maybe I am barking up the wrong tree Because I do not know Who can do that for me And I am hoping that you can be that someone

I’d Laugh More I’ve been looking for something that will make me smile that for a little bit, every once in a while, well, I’ve been looking for something that could suspend my beliefs something that will just make me laugh something that will make me think of nothing well, and something that I won’t mind I’ve been looking for a reason to laugh I’ve been looking for anything that looks like a reason and maybe that’s my problem maybe I should just let the good things happen and maybe I shouldn’t get so worried and maybe then I’d laugh more

I’m Not Used To That And I don’t know what it is about people in this town but they are nice here okay, maybe it is that they lived a long life and they don’t feel like being angry anymore but they’re nice they’re caring if you’re walking down the street people say hi to you even if they don’t know your name i’m not used to that i wonder if i will get to that point ask me in fifty years and i’ll let you know

I’ve Done That, So Have You It’s funny when you get used to life being a certain way, and you assume that nothing ever changes and that’s just the way it is well, as time wears on and as you’re not thinking about the details it’s not hard to fall into that cycle and it’s easy to care about watching the weekly news show and it’s easy to take care of all the work that is on your mind that is in your thought and it’s easy to fall into that rut i’ve done that so have you and my point is, it’s easy to just let life happen and not try to change it or anything i’ve done that so have you well, what i’m wondering here when you get used to life being just that way, the, well, the just the days going by and just the work and occasionally the movie you rent at blockbusters so you don’t have to have another night out with the guys well, when life becomes that big rut, when life becomes just one big cycle, well, maybe some people can’t handle that rut and maybe some people want something different and maybe you don’t mind the rut and maybe the people that mind the rut will just have to get used to having it well, what if life is just one big rut what i’m wondering is this: will you be used to that?

just goes nuts When my hair gets to that point where it’s just too long, I mean, this is not where it’s past that and it’s long enough to that it should just get longer, well, when my hair gets to that height, where it gets to that point where it just isn’t the right length, or should I say the wrong length, well,that’s when the hair just goes nuts on me. Instead of the hair in question just laying down like your hair is supposed to do, that’s when it curls up, it might possibly actually even get up, the wrong way When it’s supposed to go right, it goes left. Or it goes backward and not forward. If you don’t use hair gel or hair spray, you just have to use water to dampen the hair that’s bothering you well you do that and you hope that this solution will start to work. I don’t know if that’s something people normally deal with when they have to take care of their hair and they don’t want to look like a circus clown when their hair decides to start going in the wrong direction When my hair does that to me, that’s when I know my hair is too long, or that it’s not enough, or that it’s the wrong length. Usually when I know that, it’s when my hair needs a hair cut It desperately needs it

Keep Yourself Occupied I’m getting to the point where I start drinking water more now because it’s supposed to be good for me because it’s the healthy thing to do and I think underlyingly I drink more water because it stops me from eating more It’s not like I need to eat less but it’s just easier when you have nothing to do with your hands to want to instinctively turn to food to occupy your fingers and your spare time I mean, it’s not like I sit around thinking that I have to drink more water because then the hunger pangs won’t settle in until later, but I suppose it is something that on some levels passes though my unconsciousness somehow Does that mean I drink more water? More than I did before. Yes. Does that mean I’m becoming dependent on water drinking? I don’t think so. It just seems to be one of the better choices out of so many other options of things to do to keep yourself occupied

Kill Yourself what if you wanted to kill yourself what if, after all the bad stuff that has happened to you, you thought, I can hang myself or I can take some pills or I can shoot myself in the head or I can just lay there and wait for a car to run me over where would you be to get to that point where you thought it was an option that you’d rather be dead than alive even if the family has to prepare your belongings even if everyone who cared about you has to mourn you how do you get to that point to want to let your life stop to try to seek out and end to your life how do you get to that point how do you think of someone who killed themselves do you think, oh, they were nice, they cared, I miss them, they killed themselves will you ever be able to think of that person in the same way again would their death be tainted to you by their suicide how did they get to that point, you ask yourself how did they get to that point

know how the truth is How many times do you fight the same battles and lose your battles against the world How many times are you going to keep fighting for the same causes, knowing that no one is going to attempt to listen to you and knowing that all of your efforts will be to no good that no one will notice or care or even act like they’re interested... Let’s not fool ourselves let’s just say it like it is let’s not try to get our hopes up over all that normally goes wrong with the world We all know how the truth is we all know that each time we try to get anywhere in life which is just this one big fantasy this getting through life thing but what i was trying to say is that when you try to do well with your life and you try to accomplish things that you never thought was possible when you try and try and try well it’s usually at that point when someone tries and usually succeeds at kicking you in the teeth and making you feel like there’s no hope in the world Well at least they could be telling you subliminally that well, there is no hope for you even when you try and try Well, you get what I’m getting at here and sometimes I’m not the best with words but maybe I’ve said enough without saying any more than I have to

Last Wednesday Last wednesday, Alexandria saw something slippery she was reading the newspaper, and saw, in the comics pages, the following notice: Will someone please help me make a smelly apple? If you can, call me at 622-555, between two o’clock and four o’clock. I also have trouble making my pet hamster jive, and it needs help as happily as possible! Please help, Shannon

Make Things Better I don’t know where the answers are supposed to be I know it sounds trite to say that, but I’ve... there it goes, that woman that’s always suppsed to say something of value is once again coming to a stumbling block and I have nothing to add to this whole idea but I wanted to finish it I did Okay, maybe I do have some ideas about this whole answer thing, but don’t think that anyone wants to hear them So, I’ll offer insight about this whole answer problem No, I can say with some certainty that I don not know where the answers are it’s tough to see someone you care about die though Even when you were preparing for it in your head, before the death actually happened You could find out that someone you care about is dead, and you might have to be the one to tell the doctors and nurses in the hospital that they’re not living anymore You can be the one that is expected to give that news And maybe you need help in dealing with this, maybe you have to tell this awful news and maybe just need to be held because you don’t know what else you can do to make things better for you But no one tells you these things, and no one is there for you, because well, they’re suffering too, and you don’t understand what they feel and they don’t understand what you feel either Well, maybe there are a lot of things that we can’t know everything about and therefore understand at the snap of our fingers I don’t know those answers, either But maybe we just have to remember every once in a while that other peope have pain too, just like our own pain, or maybe they have a pain that could be completely different from the kind of pain we are used to Maybe we just have to remember that people hurt Maybe we can’t come up with the answers for them either, but maybe they’ll appreciate the effort you make to try to make things better

Making Sense Out Of The Insane There are many things that I have needed And there are things that other people call mere wants But to me they are the same thing I have had too many things happen to me And I am supposed to take the good with the bad And I am supposed to see the silver lining for every cloud And sometimes I can’t see the silver lining Sometimes I only get to see the dripping blood from The wounds that were cut poorly And haven’t had a chance to heal That’s one of the things about modern life Sometimes there is no happy ending And sometimes you can look and look, but you can’t find it And sometimes making sense out of the insane is pointless Because sometimes the insane starts to make sense Maybe you can’t understand that Maybe you can’t understand that because you haven’t done what I have And you haven’t gone through what I have And you haven’t learned how to bottle up all the hate I don’t know where the silver lining is supposed to be and I don’t know where to look for the things that are supposed to make me happy Because I’m getting pretty tired of looking I’ve changed all my goals in life The short term ones and the long term ones too And after a while that has an effect on you After a while you start to feel like a prisoner who Is just getting the life kicked out of you By a bunch of other prisoners who for the moment have the edge While all the other guards are paid to look away It’s funny how the prisoners get the coin from their Drug deals to pay all the good guys off When you start to see that And when you start to feel like that the line between sanity and insanity becomes blurred

Maybe That Is Enough Sometimes things work out according to plan And sometimes the plan is not exactly what you had in mind But sometimes you can at least be happy with the plan And I talked to you today And I think neither one of us have plans for tonight And there is a chance your mom will be in town for the holiday And maybe that means I don’t get to see you for the holiday I still have to keep reminding myself There is a chance I mean something to you And maybe that is enough

mean to me i ain’t got no money and nothing’s for free how many times are you going to pull on me what do you have to gave me what do you expect of me when I’ve got nothing what are you supposed to mean to me

Men Are Dogs Is True It was nice that you made the effort For such a short term If I didn’t know any better I would have fallen for it I know people do not mean what they say And they don’t think And they say what they have to So they can get what they want I guess the theory that men are dogs is true

My Height Any Longer That’s the thing I hate the most about being a girl I mean, I won’t even make this an essay about how men look at women’s hooters first and how men think women are stupid because, well, they’re girls well, I’m smarter than you that much I’m aware of whether or not you choose to believe it but the one thing that has bothered me is not in the issue that people think men have to be different from women well yes, in some ways they are what bothered me and granted I’m a girl, and I’m almost five feet eleven inches tall well, I’ve been told more than once from men that I can’t be that tall because they are five foot ten and I can’t be taller than them that’s another problem altogether trying to prove to men that you’re taller than they are but I usually say to them after they spew out a line like “you can’t be that tall” well, that’s when I usually say “well, I’m wearing flat shoes now and just standing here my eyes are clearing your head altogether so either you slouch a lot and you aren’t five foot ten or you doctor told you that you were that high because they assume that men have to be tall and women have to be shorter so it has to be one of the other either - you’re not that tall or your doctor was a liar which is it? they don’t like that answer either oh well so I’m taller just find me a tall man and let’s not talk about my height any longer

My lunchtime dream: Rito sat, eating a burrito smothered with potato chips while he waited for Deep Blue to make its next move. Would he win? Are burritos phat and low-fat all at the same time? Duh. The burrito had replaced the Apple as janet’s favorite food. As the Chicago Bulls won again, jordan explained, “ Rito is great to have after the game. My prediction: the veterans will return next year only if Rito comes back.” Yup, thought Rito as he checkmated Deep Blue, I’m hotter than David Duchovny.

no there isn’t I can stand alone I don’t need you and you think there’s more to it than that, but no, there isn’t well, sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, and you just get it done when it’s got to get done, you have to remember that people (when actors and actresses) who do it on television, well, they and the directors have no idea how to get it done. Well, sometimes the world and everything kind of shows what it’s made of and sometimes you have to survive all the crap that’s thrown in your direction. So sometimes it’s important to understand that I don’t need all the crutches that people usually give themselves, but it’s true, I don’t need you, and I can get along fine without you three months since the accident in the car do I feel any different Should the world be now revolving at a different pace Or was everyone just used to the change of the earth’s speed when it changed as it something whey just never chose to think about Was everyone just used to the world when it started to feel this way? So many people go through life with a lack of emotion, or a lack of feeling, or a lack of thought And I’ve never been asked to function that way I’ve never been able to just let life go by. Maybe life stepped on me a few times Well, you know what I’m getting at with these metaphors Maybe if life is just cruel that way maybe life is storming away and if you happen to be in the way, well maybe life will just accidentally step on you on the way out, like if life doesn’t know where it’s going when it’s just trying to leave Well, at times like that you just have to be ready for a battle, maybe it’s a battle you weren’t expecting to run into in the first place, but sometimes you just have to be ready for a conflict like that occasionally Even if it never comes to get you, you have to be ready for that potential problem, just in case. Just in case it happens

prepared for the worst I was fully prepared for the worst when I thought it was going to happen. I had to be the strong one, I had to show everyone that they could count on me. The thought had never crossed my mind. But I never thought about someone close to me dying, someone I just thought would always be around, someone that would live to their old age. Well, I guess people worry about me and my heath because bad things could happen to anyone, but I thought I proved myself before, I proved myself to all the doctors and the nurses and all the technicians and even the cardiologists. I wonder if all of those people thought of me now. I’m sure they don’t. They’d have to be reminded of me. They don’t know me, why would they remember me, it’s just me. I fully prepared myself for the bed news, I was wondering if I would even get the chance to see the corpse, depending on our timing and when we got to the hospital. I don’t deal with death much, I’m usually not at the hospital as it’s happening, I’m just not used to this. But I knew I’d have to emotionally clean up for this and I’d have to be ready for this and this was something I might have to be prepared for, in case it happened. How do you prepare yourself for something like that? I mean, I’m a girl, I’m used to women wanting to openly cry when they hear bad news. I’m used to women falling apart at the seams and I’m used to men never falling apart at the seams. Is that something that makes men and women different, or is that something men and women just learn with time? Anyway, I was busy preparing myself for the worst, so I wouldn’t fall apart when the bad news was sent to my door. Am I supposed to deal with news like this when I just hear it, when it’s just told to me, am I supposed to just fall apart then, or am I supposed to be the strong one and take it all and be prepared for it? Well, I was prepared for the worst and I was prepared for people to be crying when they got to the hospital with me and I was prepared to be strong and help them through this. I made this decision that this was something I had to do and I was just going to have to deal with that fact, maybe today, maybe later. I got there and there was no bad news, no one was dead or dying, and everything was normal. Well, normal in a hospital as far as I can tell. I’m not an expect on normalcy in hospitals. I’m not an expert on these things. But there was no bad news, and I visited people and talked a little in the hospital, and everyone wanted me to talk to prove to everyone they knew me, well, they wanted me to talk to prove that I was normal and I was fine. “And this could happen to you,” I said, “And you have to want it and you have to make yourself better.” I didn’t know what else I was supposed to say. I still haven’t entirely dealt with what that day could have been like if it was someone else’s last day. But I prepared myself for it. Just in case.

Pressure On Me Again Man, you put a lot of pressure on me and I feel this pressure so many times and there’s nothing I can do about it I’m so sick of not being in control of everything I’m tired of defining how everything goes I have to define my own life and I don’t know how to make all the changes I want to happen well, happen in my life it’s hard for me to make these changes actually, happen when I’m all alone on this one and have to do these things myself I have to define my own life I need to take a magic marker a big black bold marker and create the path that defines who I am I need to make my own choices and color them in so no one can put that pressure on me again

Reads Wrong I swear that scale is wrong okay, maybe I’m over-reacting here maybe I’ve lost weight maybe I’m too worried that I’ll gain all that weight back I can’t see the lines on the scale when I weigh myself and I keep thinking that someone is playing a little joke on me so I’ll never know this information I always want answers and I wanted them yesterday and I don’t even have patience to wait for somebody else those are my reasons, I think why does nobody notice that I weigh less? Maybe they do notice but they don’t bother to mention it that’s what I like to think, anyway Okay, so maybe the scale reads wrong but I feel that I feel different so does no one notice

Rhode Island Is Neither A Road Nor An Island “give me a second, I’m almost done with this silly game” November 27, 1998 You can capitalize anything you want but I can tell you to “capitalize this baby” just to be mean, just to be cruel there’s a reason why I don’t write poetry and a reason for why I don’t live in Rhode Island and why I’m mean, and cruel and unjust it has something to do with capitalizing people have always been capitalizing on me and I’m getting tired of being there for everyone

Say It In The First Place I’ve been told many things in my lifetime I’ve been told a lot of things about myself, too some are good things, same are bad and I’m getting used to hearing all the comments. But when a stranger tells you every day that you’re well, beautiful, don’t you think that there’s a line being crossed? This is one of the things I think about. Why are you telling me this? How is this supposed to make me feel? Do I even know you? What are you supposed to say to some stranger when they compliment you daily. Do you ignore them? Do you hope it will go away? Maybe it won’t. Maybe you should just compliment them back, maybe then they’ll realize how silly it was to even say it in the first place.

Seasons 1998 the entity of Earth lives attacked by its denizens. Spring follows winter. Winter fire burns bright. Warmth flows over my brick hearth. Summer fire is shunned Grandchildren bring joy, vigor, love, fun, liveliness. With age comes calm, peace, knowledge. Soft loose wrinkled skin, white coarse bristly chin whiskers mark the wise woman. Limbs etched against sky, full white clouds gathered in close foretell winter’s snow.

Senses What is it like to be just missing your senses? I can’t really tell you, because I can see, and walk, and talk, and cook and clean. I try to occasionally be social, so I like to think that I do enough, and I even try enough, and if I try I can even be interesting enough You might be better off though, if you’d just ask someone other than me But what if you suddenly couldn’t touch? That would entail cooking, and probably cleaning, and maybe dressing and even walking. Those tasks would be hard to do if you just couldn’t feel after your sense of touch runs away from you Would that mean that you couldn’t feel either? I mean what if you just couldn’t feel feeling, either I mean, what would life be like if you couldn’t feel what you’re so used to feeling What if you couldn’t feel a hug you’d want to give someone you love What if you knew you couldn’t feel the attention from someone you needed the attention desperately from To touch Is that a feeling most people easily forget about Maybe you wouldn’t be so easy to forget when you value something so much when it slips away Think of the times when you need a driver, or need a hug Or when you need someone to feel the new silk shirt you’re wearing Think of it. Do you think you’d miss what food tastes like when you can no longer cook, or no longer taste I guess all those little details would quickly slip away one by one Something to think about It’s just a thought. I wonder how many feelings we’d have to miss when in part we’d stop living life I wonder how much time would pass before you would be ready for the madness to end

short-term advice I wonder why people have sides on any political issue when the political leaders are only trying to serve the needs of the people for this job Well, besides that, I wonder why people take sides on politics, when no political people seem to do anything for their country Why take sides The politicians are usually crooks, or people who cheat The better political leaders manage to hide their “bad” side longer than the average person. Well, they have a bunch of paid people coming up with their speeches so they can always look like they’re saving face I need to learn how to save face, for all of the things I do wrong So... Why take sides They’ll always use the same lines over and over again until people actually forget that the news isn’t even telling them what the problem was How do you find someone honest when you’re used to people who cheat and liars Well, don’t look in politics, that’s the best short- term advice I can even give you

Slow Painful Death I have to try to remember the good things I am usually so filled with anger that I can’t help it but I’ll try It’s hard to remember the good things When all you can think about Are the bad things Maybe it’s just that I wanted someone To care for me I needed that a lot then, you know But that wasn’t a good enough reason Looking back, I know that It’s funny how hindsight is twenty twenty And it’s funny how I was going to Write something about you that was good But you were are liar, and still are one And I wasn’t immune to your violence And all of the good memories I have of you Are clouded by your anger And rage And insolence And idiocy so I guess I can’t do it this time I have to write about things that matter to me So I could write about how I Want you to go through a slow painful death but you probably know I think that And I probably don’t need to go into that at length

Someone Give Me the Answers I don’t think I can respect people Can anyone give me the answers I’ve been looking and looking, and none of the solutions are coming to me Have I been taught to be so different from the rest of the world Maybe I have been Maybe I’m the one with the different answers, and maybe I don’t know where to begin. And maybe no one can help me through this My dictionary is older than my schooling and my encyclopedia set is older than I am I’ve been looking for answers to what I thought were simple questions and the people who are supposed to be smarter than I am never have the answers for me I’ve talked to a lot of people in my lifetime, and with each day that passes I lose more respect for the people I’ve known This doesn’t seem like a fair thing for me to admit I mean, to hear a woman complain about how awful everyone else is isn’t nice, fair or reasonable Maybe I’ve just had some bad breaks I don’t know what my excuses are, or what my reasons are--but the problem is that I don’t think anyone has a reason for the majority of the actions they engage in Or should I say commit instead of engage in I can’t even finish a sentence and I’m expecting finished sentences and sense and answers from all of the people I’ve already lost so much faith in But that’s enough about me I’ll get back to a more interesting subject right away I was recently in the hospital for 6 weeks When I regained consciousness, I was given the same meal three times a day Most every day I slept in the hospital, I was physically strapped to my bed so that I would stay in my bed all night This is not meant as my defense against anyone’s actions, my own or others This was not an uncommon occurrance for my treatment I don’t know how anyone else was treated, but I am guessing I was one of at least 20 patients in the same institution, in the same ward,with the same teachers Take from this what you will Sometimes the answers don’t come easy The answers haven’t come to me for quite a while not since my accident, or since my hospital visits Not since most of my school days or since a lot of my friendships Maybe the events in my life haven’t given me the answers but maybe the events in everyone’s life also have missing answers. I don’t know where the answers are I don’t know where my answers were I’ll try to find the answers one day, and if anyone can help me, let me know

Sometimes It’s Not there are many things you learn in life the key is: figuring out when you learn them and what you can do about them there are some things that you can’t avoid and there are some things you can put off for as long as possible and then you’ll have to face them there are some things you want to run to and you want to do everything you can to make sure you don’t let go of those things and sometimes that’s enough sometimes it’s not sometimes I look for the answers and usually I can’t find any answers and that’s supposed to make me feel better and it doesn’t sometimes I wish I could turn back the hands of time and maybe I would think that the things in life that are important to me well, maybe I’d think they weren’t so important then again, I might still think that I could live forever well, we all have our hope and we all have our dreams and usually we don’t think about them and often we try to avoid them but all those thoughts, well, they still find a way to manage their way back into you life like that

Supposed To Make Us Laugh The whole time when we went out tonight I kept thinking about how a stupid retro song would come on on the radio and we’d sing along with it and sometimes we would do a little made-up dance to go along with the song and that was supposed to make us laugh and it did

That I Get there are so many things that I’ve wanted and there are so few things that I get and no, I don’t know how to get all the things I want well, I’ve learned that that is the hard part sometimes and I’ve learned how to deal with the good and the bad and no, I don’t know that this is good I just have to learn how to take it all in stride and yes, I can still dream that my life is different and I can dream that you are by my side and I can dream that there will be a happy ending for me yes, I suppose I can dream people keep telling me that it could be worse that I’m a lucky girl and no one can really know what it’s like to wear my shoes and live my life and feel what I feel but they try to tell me anyway there are so many things that I have wanted and I always have to rearrange my plans and rearrange my ideas well, at least on the surface I do maybe this way I’ll be able to keep dreaming this way the days don’t seem so long

that we wish There are so many times I wish I had that - well, that wish to get here. All my life I have had the high school and all of the other useless dronings and the high school proms and I’ve always thought I was good enough and it was at those times when someone would remind me that I might be wrong because it was then that someone else would always come along and cover me with their hair and their better clothes and their pulitzer prizes. Wow. I must really need all people with the that i must want that just sort of naturally came out of me like that. But you know what I mean, that some people always seemed to have the better cars with the nice red stripe down the side of the car, or maybe it was better shoes or better clothes or a better boyfriend. Well, you get what I’m talking about, even if you’ve never directly experienced it or anything. I mean, doesn’t it just suck how sometimes people can be the biggest jerks in their day to day life to people they don’t even know and haven’t even met before. I mean, isn’t it funny how people can sometimes be jerks, and invariably they are the ones who always end up with the money from the parents or they get married to people who have money and most of their life is spent in this plush life of heaven? And then there’s someone like you or me, someone who has always tried to do good and always done the best they could to help other people, and sometime there’s a person like you or me (and I just say you or me, not because I’m trying to pin anything on either one of us, or anything like that) but you know, some- times the average type of person tries to do real good day they never have enough money or they never have the right clothes or the right kind of car and that list of what-ifs could probably go on and on, but I think you get the idea. I mean, did some person’s parents have bas luck with the stocks, or did somebody think they were doing the right thing for their family but just had to deal with a bad flood, or an equally irritating desert summer. I guess some people just have a run of bad luck and there is one kid who tries to make it all better but just can’t quite do it. I don’t know what anyone’s reason could be for misreading the news of the future about how computer industry will make a lot of money for the next thirty years. I guess all of us are faced with choices all of our lives, and it’s only the combination of all the right choice and all the right decisions that make a difference in anyone’s good or bad outcome. I don’t know, maybe it’s just how you were raised that will show what you look at and what you need and what you want and how much you’re willing to spend for it that makes all the difference.

The Answers Someone there doesn’t have the key to getting answers for this now Sometimes you kick and you scream for information and no one will give you any help and you’ll have no place to turn That’s what the world is like, you know just in case you hadn’t figured it all out and in case you were still looking for someone to help you save the day and magically make everything turn better I don’t know how all those Magician people make everything better, instantly, unless it’s all just one big hoax provided by television tricks and the like

The Time To Myself I worked hard all my years and I worked so hard that I didn’t know how to enjoy my time to myself You get used to the bad stuff when it happens as much as it does and you look for good news and you get tired of trying to make your own good news and so you work all day and you get nowhere at it and you don’t know how to relax that’s always been one of my problems I know, I know, I’m no good at telling people how to relax and I’m no good at doing things for myself to make me happy I’ve never been very good at that And even when the bad stuff happens you’ve got to stop and say to yourself, you’ve got to say it’s time for me it’s so easy to do things to help others and it’s easy to try to make sure that everyone else is happy and no one is doing for you that same service and you’re the one suffering for it and maybe you haven’t been told this, but yes, you are worth it and you deserve good things every once in a while we all do sometimes so if you get the chance to get a back rub well, take it and maybe splurge on yourself every once in a while it’s easy when Christmas time is coming to want to take care of everyone else but year after year, if you start to look at it and think about it well, I know that when Christmas is coming it’s easy to worry about everyone else and sometimes you have to just do something for yourself

Then That Too I’ve known some things in my life and some I’ve learned I know what my limits are I know then well and I struggle with these limits all the time but that’s who I am that’s what I’ve known and I’ve learned what other people’s limits are, too and they’re always different from mine they’re different from my values and I wonder hoew people get to that point where they don’t care about their life any more did they learn that too? when I see someone in a car cut somebody else off I think, how can they do that how do they get to the point where they think that’s not a potential accident where they think that it’s okay? maybe I worry too much maybe everyone else doesn’t worry enough how do you make that line for yourself?

Things I Find Charming When there is so much hope There are so many hopes I have had And I have hoped for good things Every once in a while And maybe I couldn’t have Everything I ever wanted And maybe I couldn’t explain that all To the average person And sometimes things can go According to plan Whether it’s my plan or not It is still a plan and I’ll take it And when I heard that he liked me Well, I gathered that much By his sign language Well, then I ate that up with a spoon And yes, maybe he is a nice guy And maybe he acted like he liked me And maybe he was bold enough to say That I was nice and that I was attractive Okay, fine, maybe he is shorter than me And maybe he is younger than me And maybe he doesn’t live where I do And maybe he’s cocky and sometimes arrogant Okay, and he is straight forward and maybe Also obnoxious But the problem is that All of these traits that sound bad Are things I find charming Sometimes when you can’t get the man Of your dreams You can take the good with the bad And you can be happy with the good And maybe I look forward to hearing from him again If he calls me while I was in town We will see if that happens And I can hope

Think About It Much what would you need done if you were going to be here no longer did you think about that one before did you think about where you wanted your money to go, or maybe that painting you bought at a flea market on the south side of Chicago, where would that go would you want someone to be in charge of paying off your debts would you want someone to be in charge of getting your paintings published or getting your name out there after you’re gone that’s a lot to think about i know but what do you do with all the unfinished business can you even get used to the idea of being dead or do you have to plan for it in a way where you don’t have to think about that much

To Get To That Point I haven’t figured out how to relax yet I see people do it I see people lounging around but I’m always thinking and I’ve been trying to figure out how to stop that it’s like, I wish there was just a switch for your brain, so that when you don’t want to think you could just shut the brain off, or put it in “sleep mode,” as they say for computers well anyway, I’ve just been thinking that I need to learn how to relax I even bought one of those massage mats for chairs that vibrate and stuff and I have to admit, it’s a nice mat it is very relaxing I enjoy it but the key is, I have to get me to the may in the first place because I could buy all the traps in th world to help me relax more but I have to want to use them and I have to use them too, I guess and that’s where my dilemma is I don’t know how to get to that point

What Have I Won There is so much That I have wanted And there is so little’ That I have actually Received And there is so much That I have hated And there is nothing I can do And there is nothing more I can ask I know that much they have tried to take away my brain from me but lucky for me, I fought to get it back and lucky for me I won But what have I won What

what the truth looks like It always seems that when she starts typing she has to have me in the room with her and she seems to need to say certain words out loud, so she can say out loud to all the world that there is an apostrophe in any given word She’ll be silent, then as she’s writing she’ll say, “can’t,” or “don’t” or “won’t” or even “shouldn’t” Well, I sure I should use this as my written thank you to her for helping me type It has been a long month, and I’m getting tired of hand-writing all of my thoughts on to paper, so that I can type them all out so people can read my writing Well I thought I’d do it anyway, so you have a bit of insight into the craziness of getting over some of the pain someone has to go through in their life Well, maybe you’ll also understand why people want to get out of a hospital or what they want to live on their own and have their life back Well, that’s just my little theory You’d have to ask everyone else what they go through, but maybe this all will give you some idea of what the truth looks little sometimes

When You Walk Everyone says hello to you when you’re walking down the street when you walk in the state when you walk in their town when you walk in the mobile home park

When You’ve Only Got You there were so many things I wanted to believe and there were so many things I felt like I could trust it’s funny when people are paid off to tell you lies and you can trust no one because anyone can be paid off that’s when you’ve only got you and I know that can be rough sometimes and I’ve managed after all these years and I’ve made it just fine on my own and then you had to come along and maybe it was my problem to trust you maybe I thought that you wouldn’t lie to me I wanted to get to know you I’ve gotten to know you well working together with you I’ve learned about your love of pornography and I thought that you did it because you were so obsessed with your work and you had no time for other people too there were many things I wanted from life you know, some women get married and have kids and depend on another man for the money and maybe I want that and maybe I don’t but I have to know that someone out there is worth it

where i left off I’m considering this the beginning of time. A lot of things in the world don’t make sense. I could just write about nothing. but still I get nothing It’s like most of the things in my life, sometimes. Okay, my jewelry, for the most part, is mostly gone I’ve eaten extra eggs and extra beet soup and extra hardships since I have been pent up here It’s time for me to stop and time for me to go away ant I never get the chance to make my own decisions and life my own life I wonder when the world is going to come back again so I can pick up where I left off

Will You Let Me Know there are many things that i’ve learned and there are many that i wasn’t supposed to learn and i learned them anyway and there are many things that aren’t fair and more that aren’t right and there are a lot of things which act like little bugs with little pinchers that manage to grab a hold of you and pinch at you and well, generally, make life miserable for you i don’t know how to avoid those things you can stop thinking about the bad things you can stop thinking about the little pinchers and the ear wigs that may come up and bite you while you are sleeping at night that’s one way to stop thinking about all the bad stuff i haven’t figured out how to do that if you do, will you let me know

You Remembered Too It’s funny how you think about all the memories It helps you remember the things you loved You gave me a teddy bear for Christmas in 1988 It was blue But I liked it anyway And I still have it I have a bracelet you gave me It’s silver A friend of yours gave it to you And I keep it in a box now Storing it So that it stays in tact for me Then I know I wouldn’t have lost it I remember when we went up to your apartment for dinner And all your belongings were still in little boxes And you left your desk centered in the room And we brought in carry-out pizza And you had two candles on your desk And I thought it was the sweetest thing And I remember how you Would get me a rose every once in a while And I thought it was nice of you To think of me It was nice that you would remember too We all make decisions Over what we choose to remember And what we choose to value

you will pieces of the puzzle: i know how they fit i’ve had to do this puzzle thing for years and I’m good at it i make you whole i know it won’t take long as i said, i’m good at this you’ll feel good about it when it’s done you don’t think you will, but you will

A New Idea Pretty Quick I don’t know what everyone says about the world anymore. I know that if anyone has anything to the average mind, if they actually say anymore about the world, well. they probably think the world us just about as useless as that great soap opera they watch on television every day. That’s just the average person’s view of the world. Take that scoop of information into your own head if you like it, and mold it into your own opinion of the world and come up wit a better idea pretty quick

A New Patient There’s a child here who uses a color pack of crayons with his coloring book. I don’t know how many colors are in the pack of crayons-- the brand name of the crayon pack is not Crayola, that much I’ve gathered. The boy is with his mother and the mom seems to have a better grasp of language than the average adult. Does the mother or the son have a patient here? I’ve heard about no new patients. I haven’t heard about any new patients this week, but maybe there is one. This little boy can speak well. And walk. That’s important for little boys, to be able to walk and talk well, and do other simple tasks that are usually important for little boys and such. I wonder if the average patient learns to walk, or dress, or talk, or learn, or eat. This is just something I wonder about periodically. I don’t usually interact with many patients, so I’m forced to wonder about these things from time to time.

and flowers and funerals my head didn’t hurt all the time there are supposed to be grand kids, and meals and flowers and funerals that can’t be more than I’d forget. My life used to make sense then I’d see something else. I wonder how my grandfather was - I wonder how my grandfather lived. I can’t imagine his life in the past - I can’t remember anything but the present - I know he lived before me, I know he lived with me, and he’ll never understand any after me. I hope one day it all comes together. I hope one day it all makes sense. Hope I’ll explain it all to him. Maybe then he’ll understand. I wonder what details I lost in my life. That he lived too. That he lived too long, That he cared too little. Is that accurate? I wish I knew him. I wish I hated his face. I’m sure it will mean something someday. And now I write, and hope it all gets better. Maybe that’s when he gives me memories of myself. With my dreams.

And I Don’t Care I’m sick of people telling me that they’re glad that I’m okay and I’m tired of people asking me and that condescending high-pitched voice (which is supposed to mean that they care) how I’m doing well, I’m fine I’m the same I’ve been I know a lot has happened to me and I know I’ve gone through a lot and I know that nothing gets better I know, I know, it all depends on your attitude that’s what they tell me with amazing regularity and it doesn’t do me any good and I’m still angry and I’ve still lost part of my life and maybe in theory I’ll lose more I don’t know I don’t care about the beautiful trees that are growing outside my home and I don’t care about the chirps I hear from the birds outside that’s not a nice way to put it, I know but there are a lot of things I don’t care about when the beautiful things have decided to take a turn for the worse for me Are things getting better? Objectively, I can say that I don’t know and I don’t care

Any Help At All I don’t know when the bad stuff is supposed to end and when the good stuff is supposed to begin maybe I’ve been failing in my efforts to find some good stuff, I don’t know I’ve been hoping for that happiness, though and I don’t know where to look any more I’m tired of doing things myself and I’m tired of looking for my own answers for all the troubles I experience I’m tired of looking I want someone to help me out on this one I don’t know where I’m going to find that help, though maybe people kept seeing me with my head on my shoulders and they got tired of looking in my direction to see if I needed anything but I always want what others don’t expect me to want and I still don’t know where I’m going to, to find any help at all

As I Recovered I was supposed to be saving a life by turning the wheels and avoiding an accident. Well, I did. I turned the wheels and that saved the other driver’s life. Since my wheels were turned I was pushed into oncoming traffic so another car could hit me, i think the first car hitting me was enough, but while we’re at it, let’s get someone else to hit the car as well, well as I was saying since another car could and did hit me they decided while they hit my car that they would push me over 100 feet. That’s what I got for saving a life. In the hospital, after I got out of the coma, no one even visited me. Oh, I know my family was there and it would have been more depressing if they couldn’t have been there for me, but when I say no one visited me, I mean no on that did this to me visited me. Not the people who hit me, not the guy who’s life I saved. None of those people even attempted to pay me back. For my car, or my time, or my coma, or my feeling that this is natural, yet even for being nice. I have the physical scars and the emotional scars from that accident and from that day. And no one ever apologized to me for the pain they caused No one even visited me as I recovered.

for my car or my life I never once had the chance to grasp that anything ever happened to me for me it wasn’t until after the hospital, after what seemed like an endless stream of weeks. Was I expected to move to another house and move in with unexpected people and face the fact that I had to move and I had to put all of my belongings in storage, that my car was gone Was I expected to go through all of this? That insurance companies wouldn’t even attempt to fix the car. They gave me enough money for my time, but not for my car or for my life No one has paid me back for all the time that I have now lost I had planned to take my time off to travel, to take my car and do what I wanted to do Now I have no car, no time, no chance ho is going to pay me back for all that I have lost? There is no one to pay me back There is no one to even apologize to me, and I have no one to forgive for all of this They couldn’t even give me that much So who is going to pay me back No one. I knew that when it happened, when I was angry, when I resigned myself to losing anything that I used to value There’s nothing I can do to get all of that back It’s gone I’ve never before thought that anything could happen to me, because nothing did. I was in the intensive care unit to the hospital, I was on a respirator, I could say more of the same, but I’d just bore you with the details The problem is that I have to deal with all of this happening to me, and there is no one around that can answer for all of what has happened I just have to let it still sit inside myself, I still brood about it, and I could hope that time is supposed to heal all wounds I don’t know if that works though, if time does in fact heal all wounds. That’s what people keep telling me I don’t know how time could help me with this one Ask me in a few years if I forgot and everything is better

Get It Over With I wonder how much time would be before it would be woul before the hurting would stop hurting, and when you’d start to think that everything was okay and that you for no reason could be happy out of the blue. I wonder how much time would have to pass before you got to that point, where the world seemed good again and you could just move on with life and get it over with. Sometimes I think about the number of people who I have cared about and who have turned around on me and died. It doesn’t seem fair when you think about death on those terms, but it is kind of sad when you think about it that way. My father’s parents died when I was younger, and my brother’s ex-wife died, too. And I’ve seen friends go off to war, when I was sure they were going to die, and they came back, just fine. And I’ve seen people that I’ve cared about become hospitalized after they were hit by a car. No, I don’t suppose much of it is very happy or anything. Well, death as a rule isn’t very happy or anything, and no one likes to think about death, not their own death or anyone else’s death, for that matter. So how do we get to that point, where the pain from such a potentially awful experience disappears from inside you. How many years does it take for that pain to be acknowledged before it can be forgotten so everything can be better? I asked my mother today when someone I cared about died, I mean, what time of year did he die? You see, I couldn’t remember being sad because he was dead or anything, and I couldn’t think of what time of year it had happened. And my mother seemed shocked by my question, and she responded by saying, “he’s not dead.” And then it all came back to me, that he didn’t die, that he was fine. After I had that discussion with my mother, it had occurred to me that I should have mourned him, that I should have been sad. that no one seemed to miss me. It occurred to me then that I was missing a huge void in my life, and that I didn’t know how to fill in all the gaps in my life that I was starting to feel and just starting to miss. I only have another 60 years of this feeling in my life to go, if all goes according to plan. I sometimes think about all of the times in my life where I have missed something that should have been important, something that could have made me laugh. Those moments come all too frequently, sometimes. Sometimes you just forget life, what you’re living life for, and life passes you by and you feel like you’ve got nothing to show for all the years that you’ve lived that you can’t remember. I wonder how many people that happens to, unexpectedly. Today I thought of someone who died recently, and I thought that it would be nice if they just came up to me and made an effort to surprise me and they tried to come up with conversation and they tried to make me laugh. And after I had thought about that for a moment I thought, wait, he’s dead, he’s not going to do what he used to do, and I’m going to have to remember him this way. I didn’t like that idea at all, come to think of it. I wanted him to just be him, and I wanted him to crack a joke and make me laugh and be his usual self. I think my problem is that I just don’t want people to stop being themselves. I want to remember that people can laugh, and crack jokes, and be senseless and silly, sometimes, like I like to be. Well, to put it all that way I suppose I just wanted him to be alive. I get tired of thinking of people as being dead, when they didn’t deserve their fates and they deserved to live on. I just get angry to think that people who didn’t deserve this got this, and it was awful luck, so to speak, and that they needed more. Those are the times when I try to make myself remember what they liked and how they lived. Well, that doesn’t make me feel much better, but I try to think of the good stuff anyway. Sometimes I wonder about things like that. Who is it harder on when someone dies? Is it harder on the ones who have to die? Or is it harder on the survivors who have to live with only a handful of memories? When I almost died, I didn’t think about death. I mean, I was unconscious, I was in a coma. But when I felt like I was starting to feel normal again, well, all I could think about then was that I had to get better. I had to teach myself how to eat. And how to walk. And talk. And I had to get out of that wheel- chair that they wanted to keep me seated in, even though I felt fine. When people tried to make me different from who I was, well, that’s when I learned how to have my own set of rules, and I also learned not to tell anyone about my rules. No one would want to hear my stupid little rules, anyway. They’ll have to learn about their own rules on their own time. Death is a pretty scary subject. It can cover a bunch of different territories that the average person isn’t ready for. Even when some of us think we have it all together, well, that’s when someone throws us the curve ball of death to tell us that we might have been wrong, that we might not have been prepared for everything. How do you prepare for something like this, though? What do you do?

Is To Blame For It When I think of all the spots that hurt on my body, it could be because I’m getting old, it could be because I was in an accident, I don’t know and I try not to talk about the problems too much, even though I think about the pain it’s like a regular thing in my life but at least I know that the sinus problems aren’t going away the loud noise of my breathing gets louder on one side of my head that happens when my sinuses are acting up on me I’d rather breathe out of my mouth than my nose because the noise of my breathing isn’t so loud when I breathe out of my mouth and I keep getting reminded that I should be breathing out of my nose, not my mouth I think I knew that. thank you. the pain is still loud in my head. I still have that problem. but no one wants to hear about problems like that, do they? I hear that they don’t. It’s not allergy season and I still have allergy problems the pollen count should be going down outside but I still have this problem maybe somebody’s just hit my head too many times and now my sinuses aren’t right i’ve had this problem for months but maybe someone else is to blame for it

Janet Spinoto, Mother of 3 I knew so many people If only I mourned so many people I wonder if johannes remembers me Am I supposed to cry for him? Am I supposed to remember him? I wish I knew of more than his name I still respect you, to this day Nineteen years after you died For a cause you believed in. Or a chance moment I’ll bet. My memory of you and a memory your grand kid remembers This is what I’ll carry with me. And this is what I’ll keep until death. I’ll always remember you this way trust me on that one I’ll make it true to you and your family Sometimes I need more words, more signals to answer all my questions and fill in all the gaps and make our lives better. Then I’ll answer all the questions for me and you and everything in-between This will be my way to save you, you know, and me, and the rest of the world. I wonder if this will be my way to make sense of you, and me - and love, and so much more. I don’t remember these details about your life and I don’t remember you disintegrating before me. And before you cared about you and when it meant nothing to me.

killing the tired I know I should be able to do much better than this. I know that people should be leaving me free money, but I don’t know what to do with myself. I should have people showering me with attention all the time, since everyone has nothing better to do with their time. Why do I think everyone has it harder than me? I’ll come to the answer to that sooner or later, trust ne, Now the new lawn chairs that are rented. they are having a party and the guests are here. When I was young I knew parking was not allowed in our driceway. Granted, mom swore this norning that guests couldn’t park here, but now she doesn’t seem to have a problem with decisiong anyone can. Except me, of cousre. I will always be the one who is busy doing something wrong. I had a headache for over six hours, and no medication helped in the past six hours. Nothing gets better for me. I should have known that would have happened - I should have known that in advance. It seems that sometomes I just get all the bad bre- aks. It makes me feel sorry for myself, when I have nothing to think about except my own sorry feelings. My fingers are freezing in this stupid house. The air conditioning has been on all summer, and the air is on now, and I’m wearing a sweater and slippers right now there’s no one to complain to, because no one is around here that can answer the simplest air question around here. That’s the rule of the day, I suppose. Maybe I should start doing that, too. when everyone realizes there’s no one left to ask, maybe then people will start trying to answer their own useless questions. Sometimes I wish it would just be easier if someone just killed me and got the whole process overwith, or if I could be forced to live into old age. I don’t know if either option would ever be anything to me. This is what happens in my mind when I’ve got nothing better to do That’s just my theory. Am I really that sad? Do I really have nothing better to do It’s always two in the afternoon and there’s nothing to eat for lunch in the fridge I wish my soul makes an ounce of sense, I hate it when people don’t make any aense, so apparently their ideas are well, the lord and master. I wish more things in the world made sense. Then I’d be able to make more sense out of things. Everyone else has control over my decisions, my choices, and my life. That’s it. That seems natural. Sometimes I think that all people are just out to get me. Like if I drank too much, and then floated, that would be appropriate. Sometimes I think people just want me to be unhappy all the time. That would seem natural. I think I want to be unhappy all the time, anyway. That would be fitting. So to speak. I wish I could just drown or something, and then just I could just float away. If I floated away or somsthung. That would be a good answer. I don’t think I could do anything too much, or float away, or do anything too non-sensical that would seem like something that I could not have been capable of, I’ll have to save that one for another day, then. I know I am getter than all the fake meanings that means nothing to anyone, I know I am better than so much around here, and now I don’t have a job, and now I don’t have any money, and now I can’t even have a good argument with someone about religion, or philosophy, or something I might have learned in school once. This is how it gets when you get older. When you wait for age to tear you apart. That’s what life is all about. Get ready for it.

Late for a Class When the answer seems always quite that simple the answer is never as easy as that. I know that the answers are supposed to mean something but no one will tell me what the answers mean. I don’t know if I have four hours of classes today. The teachers will never tell me in advance until I am late for a class and I am late for somewhere to quickly go. I wonder if everyone’s life is filled with so many questions. If so many people are verging on death or fighting for basic rights that should have been given to them years ago. I’ll have 10 more minutes to kill before I’ll be late for a class I didn’t know I was supposed to be in This is a story you’ve possibly heard repeated times everyday of your life When do people get tired of it and fight back?

looking out for number one I’ll be the first to tell you when somebody has done something wrong or someone doesn’t care about the people closest to them or if people go behind the backs of their friends to steal from them, or screw them over, or what- ever most people don’t think about when they’re doing right or wrong to anyone else, they’d just rather be busy looking out for themselves for number one that is

my life changing When he wanted something wanted something from her and he always asked her and you know now, now that I think about it, he never knew to ask and he never knew how to want and she never knew how to answer and this was their little world and this was how they argued and she was always right and she always wanted to argue

My Wishes Come True I wonder if my bain is always this way I wonder if I’m always going to be like this I wonder if I’m always going to function this way I know I wish that life was easier sometimes well, I know I wish for a lot of things that doesn’t mean my wishes come true

New I wonder what it’s like to be a mother and have a potentially happy, exuberant child, who wants to learn, and grow, and be strong, and be a winner. My point from this poem and this rambling sentence was this: what if you were a mother and you had a little boy and you had a cold? Now, by nature, the cold might not be so bad: you as a mother may just feel an itching in the nose or need to wipe the stuffy nose or something. Maybe, you as a mother might not have a cold - or maybe you just have an allergy where you need to take medication or blow or wipe your nose. Sometimes life and all of it’s questions are harder than you think. What if you were a mother with a runny nose having to take care of a little boy? Would you have to wash your hands? Would you be afraid to touch his toys Would that answer all your questions to life

No Place Sometimes the easier answer to getting answers that ones tough Sometimes you kick and you scream for information and no one will give you any help and you’ll have no place to turn That’s up what the world it’s like, you know, just in case you hadn’t figured it all out and in case you were still looking for someone to help you to save the day and magically make everything turn better

Not Getting Better everyone is thinking that I’m getting better but no one knows what it’s like no one knows what pain I still go through yes, I’ve been fighting but I still don’t see the signs that anything is getting better people can tell me that it is but that doesn’t do me any good I don’t wear my glasses even though wearing them would make it easier to see but I don’t, because I have to train myself to not need them anymore maybe that will make me better at least that’s what I think I’ve wanted things to be better for three months now I haven’t wanted to wait for everything to get better and now I still have to wait and it’s already past due this getting better thing isn’t fair at least not to me, it’s not people think my vision is better because I’m not wearing my glasses that’s a good example, but it’s not I still can’t see, but I have to come up with a way in my head to make it better. So no one can see the difference. but i still feel it. I still feel the difference, and it’s not getting better.

On the Flip side I don’t know if there’s anymore sanity in the world. I just can’t believe that it exists anymore. I haven’t seen any proof With that I’ll trust that there is no evidence I rest my case. I’ve been missing love. That’s my problem, I guess. Sometimes I wish the world would stop working, but the people stuck on Earth would have to deal with a planet that just didn’t know how to work anymore Sometimes it seems that some people are ready to work for others. On the flip side of the same coin, sometimes there are some people who don’t want to work for themselves, much less in a place for anyone else. So how are you supposed to make people work then whey should, and well, before we get to part two of the question I suppose I should say that I’ll have no idea about how to answer part one of the question. Sometimes it’s hard to go through the hard parts. That’s when I don’t even spend any time thinking about the easy parts.

Pool Together Our Money spill the beans and get it over with - but that seems valid like such, like a natural thing to say that is veny physical, well, it’s something we should all know like something we were forced if only we could have been strong enough to pool together our money and tried to beat the bidding for blood for the next to get the damage. when i learned very little I learned vas little. Sometimes the most insane people somehow got in charge of teaching, I’d guess that it would be probably because they lied their way to the right job, but I haven’t done a lot of research on this so I could be wrong, but I think somehow, somewhere, someone was put in charge of deciding who would learn what, and I think those people who really actually know very little, decided to pull one big joke over on the students and the world, well, I think that all of these people, all the ones with no real brains to speak of, all these people just decided to screw up all the good things that were supposed to be produced by intelligent people in intelligent parts of that we should think of as the possible intelligent world. Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking with it. well, what I think happened was that all of these people with no real intelligence decided to create a joke or take over the would or whatever and they decided to make all the intelligence they could find, and they decided to destroy that intelligence. There’s really no other way to explain it, other than to just make people stupid, in a way that no one could ever think to be aware of but no one would get it, and all the stupid people would gain their strength somehow. At least that’s ny little theory. and now, no one has the skill to persons themselves, much less the skill to set busy defending anyone else. Well, that would kind of be what the world would be like if we lost all intelligence, but it would kind of also be like the way the world is kind of like Now. Don’t get busy thinking about that idea now, let’s just figure out what we can do about it. so this is the way that people with no talent manage to screw people with talent over, so that the people without talent can rise in their fame and everyone can suffer in the process.

Princess Diana, 1 Year Later I wonder what it’s like to lead a near-perfect life to have servants clean up after you or to prepare all of your meals. What if you hated everyone, including yourself, and you couldn’t eat food without throwing up or gaining weight. What would it be like if you couldn’t leave your building because you might be photographed by some unknown stranger. What must it be like to have anything you want sometimes, and sometimes you can’t have anything you could even remotely want I wonder if that’s what it’s like to be royalty That’s what it has to be like to feel important all the time I wouldn’t know I wonder if any member of royalty, on any given morning, on any given day, I wonder if someone like that would ever feel anything other than the usual pain that they fee would you hear from everyone that you were perfect, but would you still keep telling yourself that you were nothing with a question like that, with an issue like that, wouldn’t anyone wonder what would win the daily battle?

So Many Lies I wish that people wouldn’t feel the need to lie to me so often, I’m so sick of people feeling condescendung to my face and telling me that I am the one that doesn’t understand of feel good that they understand how they think and how I think. i’m sure no one has any idea of how I think. I’m sick of hearing people that that I thought I could because they have nothing to say to me anymore. they lack something to say, well, usually. people I once trusted told me well# wait, it is probably more accurate to say that everyone tells me it’s not that they told me it’s past, present and future they tell me they tell me they tell me over and over again. people I used to know, people I used to trust, well, these people I once trusted told me so many lies about what I know about life. I wish that the understanding world was easier, I wish that ever once in a while people didn’t tell me so many lies.

So To Speak i just thought I’d let the average joe know what life is really all about, and well, n carse the average joe should also know when people are lying and what lies really mean to you and me ad the otherwise average guy. Go get ready The average personal problems would that not let the problems little the modern world occupy their little brain. Well, those average little problems are more than a problem, Hell, they are more than a slew of problems that seem disturbing to the average joe, without inspection. Well, the underlying problem with this whole mess is with the problems is more than the origintal mess the undoing of this mess of problems could cause - the real potential problem is in ignoring the problems, which seems to be what the average joe does with daunting problems. Well, that’s what the average joe does with as many problems as he can hold in his grocery basket. Well, you get the idea. The problem here is that there are too many problems, and no one is doing anything about the side problems, and the problems are just getting worse, and no one is around to save us from what we accidentally caused by trying to do nothing about a non-existent problem. Well, that’s the problem, as I see it. So we can instantly become all better again. Well, the solving of this problem could be problematic, because no one might be able to tell that there is a problem, and no one might be able to solve said problems that no one was willing to previously tackle. Oh, forget it. Maybe there is no solution to these problems. I figure that eventually someone has to come up with an answer, and then once someone does we can agree with it and then proceed to act upon it. That’s just my theory. Well the current problem seems to be that no one can come up with a single solution for a single problem. Maybe the average joe needs to be reminded of the problems. So you go and get to work on that, and I’ll attempt my little speech on solving all of the problems of the world shortly.

Stilts I wish life just could get automatically easier There should be more money, and if people would work, I’d wish for more people and come up with their own conclusions the world would just be easier if everyone automatically just got what they wanted and needed. Wouldn’t it just be easier if people always got tickets and lost money and got screwed That would make life so much simpler, if some people were just automatically punished and some people just never got punished If I knew how many classes I had today, if I knew how much hell I’d be forced to go through today, maybe then I’d be less irritable. Is this as good as it gets does the usual pain seldom end I want to be mean here but I have to be nice and I have three more hours and life still sucks and I have four to five minutes of time off before the new and improved hell starts I don’t know how the average person deals with this lack of patience with a lack of any answers for hours a day every day Is this what my life is supposed to be like Is this the best of my news Does anything in life ever get any better than the pain I usually feel They who don’t know how to teach you anything made typed versions of the schedule for the day for everyone, including myself, and I had a long day today with long hours, like every other day last week No one has a happy ending for anyone here. I mean, people who were in accidents and are in wheelchairs 5 or 6 years after their accident can’t feed themselves or talk to anyone or even smile Everything is still the same I was given a confusing test that had to do with my lack of reading or vision. So then I talked about my problems and I’m sure it got me nowhere I should have learned my lesson years ago Nothing ever gets better in my life I should just know that it will never change Does that mean I should just face it I guess it doesn’t matter Welcome to my life. I’m getting tired of seeing people here walking on stilts

take it all away What is it like to be almost on the verge of death for a long time I know that seems like a silly question is it pointless to actually go through it and life for a brief moment to know what it’s like to almost fly I found out weeks after I was in the hospital it was then that I found out little details about my being in the hospital what the doctor did to me while I was in there and unconscious whether or not they were helping me or hurting me I wouldn’t have known if I was oncunscious they put a piece of metal in my leg to stop future possible blood clots from travelling to my heart, or lungs, or brain I don’t know if I need one of these pieces of metal in my body for the rest of my life, but it would have been nice if someone informed me of this after it had already been done to me there can be all sorts of things done to you when you are at a weak moment these things being done to you could have an effect on you good or bad X-rays were taken of me a ventilator was on me for 6 days All I knew at the time was that most of my rights were being taken away from me and I didn’t have my car and I couldn’t live at home I really just otherwise be myself I mean, what if one day something went wrong in your body, and while you were laying in bed to take a nap, your heart just stopped beating what would happen to you and your life if you heart just went out, and then something just happened and then almost suddenly, what if just then you were slipping away Okay, don’t use that example, but maybe it will help you think about what it must be like to vanish What if that happened to you if something shocking just sort of happened to you and you made it just fine and people were worrying about you and they thought you might not make it and they had to think that you may be gone and they had to come to terms with that Would you clean up your room Would you stop making all of the frivolous purchases on things you don’t really need Would you try to be nicer It answers so many questions when you suddenly start to think of things that way

the solutions to the answer spill the beans and get it over with - but you’ll still hate and your word will be against anyone and everyone if only we could have been strong enough to pool together our money and tried to beat them by bidding for blood by eating ourselves, or to speak, it you want to take this megaphone a little too far, for the next to get the damage. that would be a nice way to put it, so to speak. if you can take this giant metaphor that way it gets so easy when you get so pent up about something different altogether, how you can let something that is bothering you too much, and you can let that anger out and make it look entirely that you’re enraged about something else entirely Sometimes the most “insane” people some know and they got in charge of teaching, I’d guess that it would be probably because they lied their way to the right job, somehow, somewhere, someone was put in charge of deciding who would learn what, and I think those people who really actually know very little, decided to pull one big joke over on the students and the world I think that all of these people, all the ones with no real brains to speak of, all these people just decided to screw up all the good things what were the thinkers supposed to have everything produced by intelligent people in intelligent parts of that we should think of as the in possible intelligent world real intelligence decoded to create a joke or take over the world or whatever and they decided to make all the possible “well” they could find, and they decided to destroy that intelligence. make people stupid, in a way that no one could ever think to be aware of so this is the way that is people with no talent manage to screw people with talent over, so that the talemt-less can rise in their fame and everyone can suffer in the process. That’s today’s nice little story. Any answers yet? Anyone?

the things they did to you when you hear that you were so close to death you don’t think about it, but you feel fine, you couldn’t have been that bad. But you were on a respirator to breathe for you while the doctors just hoped and waited for you to start breathing again. And you couldn’t eat, you were unconscious for days, so they gave you food through a tube that want straight to your stomach. You’ve got the scar on your stomach to prove it, where the tube came out of your body from. There is a piece of metal in your body that the doctors put in there in case you had blood clots that tried to move through your arteries to your heart or lungs or brain. They had a brain activity/pressure circulation detector surgically attached to your head to they could measure if there was too much pressure on your brain. Yeah, I suppose it was fair to say that you almost died, but you’re fine now. At least no one will tell you that, but I’m sure you know that information. What does it feel like to be almost dead? If you had to think about your own life, and what it meant to you and to other generations, would any of this surgery matter? Well, you wouldn’t be dead, I guess. But what if you were no longer here, on this planet, what if you were not alive? Would anyone miss you? Would anyone write poems about you, or cry for you? Well, people might get used to the fact that you were gone. Time heals all wounds, as they say. You, if you were thinking about it after you were gone, you’d still be angry, I’m sure. That doesn’t go away. It never does. Get used to it.

The Third or fourth Fourth of September, 1998, I tell you, some times you just have to grin and bear it and take the punches you have coming. I think it’s just appropriate to admit to yourself that you’ve done wrong and just grin and bear it and roll with the punches. Just take your medicine and get the whole business over with. Sometimes people just forget when they might actually deserve a punch. Don’t you think it would be nicer of people to just walk out into the street and admit all their wrongs and get ready to take a punch or two or a few from whomever happens to be walking by at the time of the person’s admissions. If only more people came foreward and made the effort to be openly honest

The Truth and Liars I have been told so few truths in my life, and as more time progresses I trust the average person less and less. Forgive me, but some things just call for straight-out honesty. Seldom do I get the chance to voice my opinion, or speak out in opposition, or even have my own voice. I’ve let myself out of one hospital, and want to get out of a second one, by liars and people who try to deceive for a living. Believe me, I’ve seen it so many times, that sometimes it just gets more simple to tell apart the liars from the people who tell truths. The truth-tellers are very, very difficult to find in this day and age. When you give a little power to a liar you’ll be faced with a lifetime of fighting and failures. Well, when you’re a person faced with liars, well let’s just say that the battle to win is almost impossible. For a good part of my life I’ve dealt with liars. Or should I say, I think that all of my life, when I’ve been aware of what people are capable of, well, let’s just say that as long as I can remember, well, let’s just say that I have never been a better part of a liar’s life. No one seems to know how to earn a peron feeling trust. It’s a difficult job to do with me. People often fail, if they ever tried. I suppose that an average person who tried to earn my trust would probably not succeed at it. oming from someone who knows the truth, someone who thinks, let me say it for myself. I’ve lived through good news and bad news. I’ve been through young people’s deaths, old people’s deaths. I’ve seen people in constant pain. I’ve seen no real attempts done by anyone to help me - ever. I have seen - and lived through both happiness and sadness. I have succeeded at the things I have tried. I have won when I have had to. I’m a ruthless winner. That comes with what I know. I have cried for so many people that I can’t even tell you. I wonder if that many tears have been shed over me. I wonder if anyone, any - where, has felt anything about me. This year I was hit be a few cars. I was driving my car. My car is now useless, after the accident. I was in a coma, unconscious for 1 to 2 weeks. I don’t remember the accident. This is the story from what others have told me, since my recovery. Right now I hear the chatter of 2 waitresses at the front of this office. I still have to hear them. I know the world deserves more than mindless chatter. Someone on this planet has to deserve it. I have to deserve it. I’ve already taught myself how to stop arguing, how to stop being unpleasant, how to stop making waves. If you can fit in with those simple rules, if you want, you can be forgotten as soon as you’re dead. Sometimes it’s not easy to just give people what they want. Usually you have to sell yourself and your beliefs short. Get ready for it. It will happen in time. Brace yourself.

the world Sometimes the world doesn’t seem fair I thought it was necessary to tell you that, if you didn’t know it and you didn’t mind hearing it I wanted to the first to tell you about that sometimes the world can see what everything is like sometimes the world can be the first to stab you in the back isn’t it funny how the nicest things can hurt you, always when you’re not looking always when you expect it the least. there are so many times when I’ve wanted things different they’re never like anyone else’s and you never know how to go about solving the cricis and everyone seems to have a better answer and everyone seems to have everything under control and everyone can’t have it as good as you and why does everyone else get the easy breaks but you, this time, not you.

Their Crutches Am I supposed to know what it’s like to go through what you’re about to go through? I’ve never had an operation but I guess I can imagine they’ll keep you drugged most of the time you’ll be unconscious for the operation you’ll be stuck in a hospital bed for longer than you want but this is supposed to be what’s best for you, that’s what they tell you you could be tired of being in the hospital you might want more visitors no one will know what to say to say everything will think you need rest, you need help even if you’re sure you don’t need their crutches I didn’t say it would be easy and I haven’t done this before maybe I can say that I’m sure that I’ll visit and I’m sure you’ll be fine I know you’ll want to hear that I can do that for you

They Know How You Feel I don’t have many friends. Well, I have a few, and the one thing that I’ve noticed is that I have more male friends than female friends. That’s strange for me, well really, that’s not strange for me, but I guess it’s strange to not have many friends that are the same sex as you. Well, at least that’s been the case with me. But when it comes to men I’ve always felt that men are more like real people, or maybe it’s that I’m more like a man so I don’t notice that there’s anything wrong with just being able to talk to them. Well, now I’m going off on a tangent, and I didn’t mean to. Sorry. My point from most of that speech was that I do have a few female friends, and some of them are nicer to me than other friends are. And one of my female friends acts like herself to me, and I act like myself to her. So that makes us feel more natural around each other. I know this isn’t coming together well, this isn’t sounding like I planned it to. Forgive me. But I think you know what I was getting at. I was just trying to say that it’s worth it sometimes. Sometimes you just make yourself think about it, about what matters to you, and this all becomes obvious. Then you can laugh about it all with your friends, the ones that understand you. Because they know how you feel, and they feel the same way.

Think of It What if you are told your entire life that your brain doesn’t work I mean, if you were strong enough to come up with your own ideas and people told you your ideas were wrong would you get tired of telling people about your new and improved ideas Think about it Think about the number of times you are told your ideas are wrong Think of it What if you worked all your life and you made something of yourself and you made more money at what you wanted to do and you lived on your own time and life was good What if you had accomplished all that and what if then you hear from everyone that you must be mistaken, that you are wrong what if family and friends told you that you had to go see therapists a number of times a week and that you were wrong How long would you be forced to listen to a bunch of people who don’t know any better tell you to change, I mean, how long do you think it would take before you wanted to join a new race, or a new culture, where for once you could spread your ideas and feel like yourself without everyone telling you that you had to always be wrong If you worked all your life and created a philosophy or a meaning of life that you liked for yourself, or maybe you created something that a bunch of other people liked and agreed with, and you were what everyone else would have called successful If you created all this, and then a bunch of less intelligent people who didn’t know how to use their own minds came up to you and took away your life bit by bit because they drank all the time because they didn’t know any better because they wanted beliefs around that agreed with everyone else’s beliefs what it would have to be like to live and work and beat everyone else and then have a bunch of mindless people take your life away from you? See what it would feel like to go to a library and find out that all of your books are gone Suddenly everyone managed to take away proof of your existence of the fact that you had ideas, that you wrote books that you were someone Who are you now It’s like you never lived How would that feel Think of what the world would seem like for a small minute, where most of the world lived in desolation, where there was only a few remnants of old fires that once burned down things that could have been good Imagine a world that was mostly sad like this, and maybe in it, while you were walking down the deserted street, you’d see a diamond. In all the darkness and desperation there would be one loose random stone that glittered more that anything else on the planet Could you imagine a world like that Could you imagine a simple diamond

What Do You do what do you do if you almost die do you wear your seat belt more do you not go for motorcycle rides do you walk closer to the side of the road someone can hit you there, you know what do you do if you almost die do you tell people you love them do you eat healthier foods do you exercise more what do you do

What It All Means I don’t know how many times I have to hear the same story over and over again. How many people are going to tell me the same news, each time a little differently, with a little more information. I wonder how many time I will get to hear the same news, each time told to me just a little differently. I wonder how long it will take before I get a real picture of what happened and what it all means to me. I still didn’t remember being there, I think someone put something into the diet soda I was drinking from. I know I never took that drink out of my eyesight, that that drink had to be tainted before I ever took my first sip of it. Well, I know I was getting lunch while I was at work, and that’s the last I remember of my work day. I was at the Gorton’s Cafe, where you usually had lunch when I forgot to bring my own food. The next thing I remember was that I was in a hallway of the building, I only discovered it was the basement after I had escaped. They had a witness there and they were asking him questions on who he thought was attractive, and if he lived alone. I didn’t know why I was there or if they were going to ask me questions like that too. Then I saw one of the men asking question and I saw that he had a gun. So I figured I had to have been knocked out and I knew I had to keep myself together and so I thought for a brief moment and checked in my head head whether any parts of my body were in pain. They weren’t. I thought that had to be a good sign. So I pressed my forehead, and I tried to squint my eyes just a little, so that it looked like I was in pain. I thought that may be a natural way to act like I was in pain and still concentrate on what the other guy was saying. I might be next, I thought. There were a couple of guys that were dressed the same way, wearing grey slacks and when i started to look I could see that they all had guns too. But just before I noticed that there had to be like ten of them in this room the water sprinklers came on only like five seconds after the fire alarms first started going off. Everyone in the room with me went into a sort of panic, and then the guy next to me, who was in regular business clothes, grabbed my hand and said, let’s go around the side door on the right. I started to look around and I could see that everyone who was running this show, who had guns, was also in a state of panic of sorts, and so I followed this stranger out the door. No one even noticed us leaving the room in the basement. He must have been conscious when he fitst went into the room. I didn’t know my way around the basement. I followed him until we got to the lobby level and this guy wanted to keep going out the front doors and I stopped and told the people at the front desk that there were men with guns in the basement. It was right by the elevators, that’s what I told them. Okay, so I wasn’t a hero in that scene. I never get caught in scenes where I have to do something that I normally wouldn’t do. If it wasn’t for this guy, who was right next to me in the basement, I probably would never have moved from my seat. They guys with the guns got caught that day, they tried to take a hostage or two before they gave up. and they didn’t get any of the money they wanted. I guess there was a happy ending, after all. No one got hurt. What does it mean to - to anyone - that sees this story on the news? Probably not much, because she didn’t live through it. No. It was just I who lived it.

What Makes Me Real (Not To Share My Dreams Again) There are things about my brain that I can’t help but like Well, I like having one, for instance and I like making my mind work and I like thinking and it is what makes me real And I am so angry I know people think it is strange for me to be angry about what has happened to me I know, I can think, well, I lost my car and I lost time I could have been doing what I wanted to do with all this time but it is the loss of my brain that makes me so angry yes, I know, I’ve still got it I’ve still got my brain but someone tried to take that away from me and to me that is worse than losing a couple of my fingers my mind is what makes me who I am and it offends me that I had to fight the unseen forces to get it back no one understands this struggle everyone has different ideals from me but I’m telling you, this is what hurts and no, I don’t hold this against anyone I don’t hold it against the people that did this to me because I know this was an accident and I know it could have been worse but a part of me is gone and yes, I got most everything back I even gained the memories from all this but I still had to lose all this time and maybe there’s nothing I can do to get that back and maybe I can still be angry at that and maybe I can still feel anger and resentment and everyone may think I’m thinking that way because I’m a cold, understanding bitch well, let them think that I’ll just remember not to share my dreams again

Copyright Janet Kuypers. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission.

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