they tried to tease me

poetry and other cool stuff in a chapbook byJanet Kuypers

the things warren says I know about this guy, he sucked his eyeball out with a shop-vac he went to the hospital brought the shop-vac with him he was okay, but they couldn’t put his eve back in: it was all mangled, and besides, it was covered in potato chips

The Way You Tease Me What I think I like the most about you is the way you always leave me wanting more. When you kiss me, and we start to pull back I want to cock my head and kiss you again but I never know if you’ll let me. What I think I like the most about you is the way you roll your sultry deep voice over me like a wave of heat on a summer afternoon. You use a pause to tease me with your words until sweat dances down my hairline and tickles me neck. What I think I like the most about you is the way you slide your arms around my waist and make me just want to collapse in your grasp and run my hands up and down your back until I hear you moan and sigh. What I think I like the most about you is the way that absence makes the heart grow fonder and when we touch you say we should take it slow, take our time, enjoy every moment and you know, you couldn’t be more right. What I think I like the most about you are the things that make me think I have to fight for you are the things that make me second guess myself because nothing’s ever easy, not you, not me, not relationships, not sex, not love. What I think I like the most about you is the wondering, is the waiting, is the teasing. that’s what I like. This high-charged guessing game. The flirting. The first touch. The first everything. Thinking about the possibilities. Yeah. that’s what I like.

they never ask me i get up to find my clothes sometimes they stay asleep sometimes they wake up why are you getting dressed? they ask, and i tell them that i have to get going they never ask me to stay

they see independently Perhaps more than men, women acknowledge the person, because they see persons independently of various ideological or political systems in their greatness and limitations they try to go out to them and help them Letter to Women, Message of His Holiness POPE JOHN PAUL II, July 10 do they see independently from reason, too? do they see people devoid of ideas, ideolgies? do they help their own murderer? do they help the people who won’t help themselves? do they not judge a person then? do they not value one person differently from another? what then is love, respect, if it is not earned? what good are these women really doing if their help is expected and not earned?

they tried they tried to hold me down they tried to keep me in they didn’t understand ÒI was differentÓ they said as day after day I led my life with the interr ogation lamp shining in my face they tried to change me they tried to bend my will they wanted to break me ÒWe don’t like youÓ they said but every day I faced the battle in splendid silence knowing that all like me would understand me and thank me they tried to make me beg they tried to make me cry they wanted me to conform ÒWe don’t need your typeÓ they said and I ignored them for I couldn’t let those who didn’t understand and didn’t want to learn or respect or treat me as human destroy me

victim every day i face the wall I must stand tall from break of dawn I carry on every day I struggle with the lingering past I had struggled, I had worked to take it fast every day I find it difficult, impossible to look at what we have and make it last time to time I shed a tear when you are near I stop myself I’m filled with fear I try to carry on but it doesn’t seem fair whan I feel your presence but you are not there time to time I find it difficult, impossible to look at how I feel and say you care I close my eyes, I see it too when I sleep I dream of you when I talk your words come out every day I when I live I just feel blue I can see the scene, it flashes through my mind I can’t fathom feelings of another kind when I try I find it difficult, impossible to search for pieces that I cannot find I had struggled with the maze worked a hundred days tried to make it stop I could not see through the haze I hurt so many ways I had to accept what you had done to me there were so many lies that I could not see let me be I had tried but it was difficult, impossible to look at all your chains and still feel free

waiting for you (2/13/94) i look out at the evening sky snow falling out of the sky star-shaped flakes as big as fingertips falling onto my face melting into my skin touching me sharp and sweet like your hand on my cheek in the cold of winter it almost feels warm

walking home from school once when I was little I was walking home from school filled with fear, like I always was the other kids made fun of me I was called names sometimes they threw rocks at me once they pushed me to the ground but once, I’ll never forget, Patti from 121st street was walking behind me and threw her gym shoes at me they landed right next to me as I was walking down that first big hill I don’t know if I stopped but I remember for a brief moment looking up at the tall tree branches next to the road all the entangled dead branches and I thought that all I had to do was pick up her shoes and throw them as hard as I could and she would never get her shoes back I looked at the trees for only a moment and I continued walking as fast as I could until the shoes were long behind me and the others were laughing I look back now and wonder why I didn’t do it was I scared of them was I scared of myself I still keep asking myself that

walking with you (2/18/94) it’s springtime again and here we are, picking flowers from neighbor’s yards at three a.m. it’s still a little cold it’s still only April as the wind rushes through our clothes hands claspedwalking in stride lily of the valley, tulips, daffodils it’s a beautiful wind

wanting you (2/18/94) it’s night again the candles flicker I curl up in myself trying to keep warm that’s when I feel most alone when I get lonely depressed when will this end the nightsthe solitude that’s when I miss you most sometimes I feel like I’m not whole soulmate

you feel more it’s like this: run your hand back and forth in a line parallel to the ground that’s the world you see it’s that line now raise your hand a few inches, maybe six above that line and run your hand back and forth and that is you You’re above it all You’re better than them all you can do more you succeed more you feel more and then, you see, you raise your hand a few inches, maybe six more above that line and run your hand back and forth and that is who you love and when you feel You’re above them all how will you find someone higher?

you once so confidently I found you at the pool hall with your excuses for friends taking a drag from your filtered cigarette I don’t even think you inhaled I hurled my anger at you the flames from my eyes struck you but your sculpted hair wasn’t even singed and you remained as cool as you imagined yourself to be and as I turned away and stormed toward the swinging door the deafening silence was broken by a feeble cough I looked back and saw you and immobile emotionless statue with beads of sweat running down your forehead as I cocked my head I closed my eyes and the flames I once hurled were extinguished as quickly as the cigarette you once so confidently smoked

You’re with me I sit in a chair in a lonely corridor I’m all alone but I see you there You’re in my thoughts I see your face imagine your touch I hear your voice but You’re no place You’re in my mind i’m all alone but then again, no for even when I’m alone You’re with me

Copyright Janet Kuypers. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission.

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