A Smile On My Face I don’t know what it is about you whenever you enter my mind joyous thoughts are stirred and a smile emerges The happy times we have had the memorable times we have shared will always put a smile on my face

An Extension Winter 1986 A new life, a bundle of joy your flesh, your blood your love, your life this little child, an individual is yet an extension of you A new life, a bundle of joy your hair, your eyes your laugh, your cry this little child, a separate life is yet an extension of you A new life, a bundle of joy mirroring your smile reflecting your love being your life this little child, this life that is new will always be an extension of you . . Cry To Be Held March 28, 1989 I cry to be held But you don’t seem to See my tears I’m starting to feel More alone with you than without you Me? Get serious? Oh, I never do that too much chance to pain And yet I was trapped like an animal in a cage I fastened the lock myself And now I only cry to be held

New Day 1988 I look up into the early morning sky. It is the clearest blue. I look to the horizon. The sun seeking over deep green trees. I look into the river. The waves glisten with sunlight. I look. Darkness is gone. A new day has begun.

That Is You March 9, 1989 Not you not me those lines have been erased we have combined the blood and water in a body integral parts of a whole working together for a common cause joined in a way dripping into each other so that we can never separate and now that we are one you no longer see me for I do not exist how can you see anything that is a part of you that is inside you that surrounds you that encompasses you that is you

When You Go Home This Evening February 3, 1989 you think you know me you couldn’t begin to know when you see me press my eyes shut or cover my mouth with my hand when I look down that certain way and hold my hair back in a clenched fist you know nothing of my thoughts how could you even understand a life of uncertainty, depression and hatred you and your white picket fence and your cardboard dog the polo cologne that smells like shit two point one three kids and sex three point two times a week how could you think that you know I’ve been lied to I’ve been attacked I’ve been hated I’ve been cheated on I’ve been robbed from I’ve been raped but I don’t think I’ve ever been loved so don’t tell me you know so when you go home tonight, boy turn on the evening news and flip through the daily paper shrug your head at the violence and hatred and turn on the Cosby show and don’t even dare to tell me that you know me

Why Am I Infected August 28, 1989 Why am I infected with this terrible disease? I grasp and reach for straws -- but there is no cure but death itself Is it a gift or more of a curse? It is a disease that you cannot combat Why am I infected with this terrible disease called life . . Yeah March 13-14, 1989 Yeah. He can really move. See kim on a dance floor. He swings hips like no other white boy. Yeah. But he refused to slow dance. He was cool. Just ask him. But he couldn’t slow down. Yeah. He knew how to dance. He barely moved. But he moved. And he looked so damn sexy. He knew what to do. But he smoked. And hated the world. Yeah. And no one could ever get close to him. Yeah. He could hold his own when the lights flashed and the beat quickened. But he didn’t know when to stop. Enough is enough, I said. Yeah. But he didn’t know when the dance was over. And he crashed. Yeah. He was a klutz. Didn’t like to dance. But he loved music. And when he liked a song, he never wanted it to end. Yeah. And he never wanted to hear a new song. But the songs he loved wouldn’t play for him anymore. Songs don’t last forever. Yeah. On a Saturday night he would hit the dance scene. he was the best looking thing on the floor. His moves were almost awkward. Do the California Twist. Yeah. But he couldn’t accept the idea of a new step. Yeah. He wasn’t the best dancer. He swayed back and forth. And he snapped his fingers. He danced like a child. Yeah. But he had fun. No worries. He danced in a group -- no partner, but many friends. Yeah. He liked to party. Mister cool. He’d dance to be shocking. Yeah. Caught your eye. Hunk-of-burning love. Always laughing. Always joking. And just when you got used to him, he’d dance with someone else. Yeah. He had a bad knee. He limped. Old war wound, I suppose. But he liked to move. Yeah. As much as he liked to get wasted. Or steal the show. Or flirt. And it was a party mask he had to wear. Too heavy.

After the Bomb 1986 after the bomb there’s no longer anything to see there’s nothing to see but ashes and the charred remains of what used to be planet earth there’s no talking for there is no one to hear you there’s no longer anything to hear no voices, no music, no laughter just the wind and there’s nothing more to smell no roses, no perfumes, no fresh baked bread just the fire for, you see after the bomb there’s no longer anything

A Crying Baby 1987 I saw a crying baby today -- and I couldn’t help but thing about us always fighting...always crying nothing is ever solved our problems never change -- just multiply and i couldn’t help but cry why is it this way? why can’t we talk? I think back to that crying baby and us and how our problems are essentially the same our sufferings are never remedied and all we can do is cry and although it doesn’t change anything although it doesn’t help all we can do is cry i couldn’t help but cry

To Lisa 1988 I’ve seen you through the good times and the bad the happy and the sad and through each and every high point and each and every low point you’ve always been my friend i can put my trust in you my faith in you and my hope in you and i think you with all my heart i have told you my fears and i have told you my dreams you have listened intently and understood you have pulled me through some of the hardest times of my life and i’ll never forget that you’ve given to me and if you ever need a shoulder to cry on a smile to cheer you a heart to love you you’ll always have it you’ll always have a friend in me

Untitled 1986 A song has never made me cry so hard my work has lost its meaning and life has gone too far

The Best Times In My Life 1988 the best things in my life are not found in the pages of photo albums or scrapbooks they are the events with the dates forgotten these moments are not anticipated they are the times when you tell me that you’re there for me they are the times when you show concern for me they are the times when you let me know you care do you remember when you wrote the letter saying “if you need a friend, just call” do you remember telling me that you’re glad to be my friend do you remember when i was feeling down and you gave me a hug i remember those times and although no pictures were taken i put them in my album\and there are no moments and there are no momentos i could place in my scrapbook i remember those times those were the times when you made me feel special and that is why those are the nest times in my life

Grains Of Sand 1987 must i suffer the duration? do i have a choice? or must i wait for the grains of sand to one by one fall to an eternity? can’t i make them fall any faster? can’t i make them all fall at once? is there any way i can set all the sands free free from life and its sharp confinements free from what we try to capture revive supply and retain why must i suffer the duration why can’t i just let go

You Once Showed Me 1987 what the Hell why did I trust you I remembered the phone call I answered crying and all you could ask was if i was alright and what you could do what happened where is all the caring you once showed me there was a side that actually seemed to give a damn what the Hell it is not as if I can’t live without you but I miss the side of you that is gone

Gives Up The Fight 1987 i walk through the hallway the coldness the blankness of the empty walls the doors are closed a separate isolation a separate entity lays behind each and every gray metal door i walk through the hallway until i find the open door it is open but an inch but it is open so i turn the handle i push as the eerie creaks echo and the dust from a thousand years floats into the air but settles down only a few inches further the light from the hallway is dim so i must strain to try and see to understand for there is no light inside i cough and choke an the dank and dismal air suffer with the sickening stench i move the cod-webbed furniture to find what i am looking for i feel afraid to breathe i feel afraid to move for the room may take offense to me even slightly changing it i find the safe hidden in the corner the lock is cold i turn the dial and i turn, and turn, and turn and as if the safe gives up the fight the barrels click and the door moves i open it only to find a barren and empty center all that work all that time all that hope only to go down the hallway again

A Common Acquaintance 1987 An innocent place turned into a lengthy stare A simple hello turned into an intimate conversation A common acquaintance turned into a lover My heaven turned into my hell for another woman turned everything we had into nothing

Decision 1987 My heart is already torn apart from you All I ask is your decision \p is that too much to ask? All I ask is your decision \p must you break my heart in two? You break down my defenses with your stare All I ask is your decision \p or must My heart you tear? All I ask is your decision or do you even care? I think I’ve taken all that I could take All I ask is your decision is it one you cannot make? All I ask is your decision how long must I now ache? You love me, but you have her by your side All I ask is your decision is it hard for you to hide? All I ask is your decision it’s with me you confide All I ask is your decision does she know you lied? you say you want me but you want her too All I ask is your decision I will not wait for you All I ask is your decision I will not be your fool

Good Bye 1985 A tear rolls down my cheek I read the note once again “Good bye ” I was in love Why -- why did he leave me? I need him now more than I’ve ever needed him before “Good bye ”

Hard Enough Anymore January 6, 1989 I don’t think that the teddy bear you bought me can help me too much anymore when I feel my cold lonely bed at the end of each long lonely day I feel my bear close and I think that if I hold him close enough you will feel the hug and if I bring him close enough I can even smell your cologne and sometimes when I give it a hug I even think that he is hugging me back but it only makes me hurt more because you’re not here I look at that teddy dear big innocent eyes and mine fill with tears but I think he cries too because he no longer lessens the burden he weighs it down you told me that when I’m feeling down I should give my teddy bear a hug because he may be needing one too but I can’t hold the bear hard enough anymore for that big blue bear can’t replace you

I Do Think Of You 1987 I’ve noticed something about you You give to others You think of others You help others But I’ve noticed something about others They don’t give to you They don’t help you They don’t think of you They don’t reciprocate And I want you to know something I do think of you And I care

I Don’t Care 1989 I’ve realized something about people they’re cold Cold as ice in a winter storm People don’t care about other people Only themselves “Hello. How are you? ” Respond with anything other than “fine ” and you get a blank stare as if they wat to ask “Why are you telling me this? I don’t Care. ” Why is it that when there is a car accident others just drive by Because they don’t care I’ve realized something about people they’re cold

Leather Jacket Faded Away In The Morning Fog 1989 at five-thirty in the morning I sat in the kitchen straining to swallow the tears and you raced to get your luggage into your truck my mind wandered to the candles the roses the pizza and all I could think was that the best chapter of my meager life was coming to a pathetic end I looked at you in your leather jacket and you took my hand and led me to dance I really didn’t mean to but I couldn’t help but cry for the idea of our last dance destroyed me and as you drove away I dreamt that you came back and said you wouldn’t leave but as the car lights faded away in the morning fog and you tuned the corner I fell to the floor screaming and crying I had no one to blame but circumstance and I couldn’t fathom going on

Life 1987 Life is like the universe endless vast life and the universe are both everything Life is like the universe different and beautiful in every way Life and the universe are both everything forever

Maybe I love you 1987 I don’t understand I try to think yet whenever I look at you I can’t Your voice send shivers down my spine Each time I look into your deep drown eyes my world turns into fantasy and all my problems disappear Whenever you come into my mind everything else is forgotten A mere moment with you serves as am eternity I don’t understand why I feel the way I do maybe I love you

Mesmerizing 1987 the tapestry intricate elegant alluding to oriental pleasures the curtains hanging draping dripping in royal shades of indigo the candles flickering pulsing causing the shadows to do their sex dance the jewels shimmering shining drenched in golden splendor incense igniting the air as garlands of gilded chimes echo a mesmerizing melody ascend the beauty capture the moment before the candles burn out and the light is gone

Monotony 1987 life has become a job day after day of dreary monotony and I want to quit

My Blood February 16, 1989 Take my blood it is yours Take the blood that runs cold through my body and fill my veins with the tears I have too often cried for you

No Longer Pity You March 28, 1989 Stop singing that song to me I can no longer pity you The words are hollow And only echo in the past You don’t know what they mean You can’t know It’s not your luck that has turned you It’s your inability and unwillingness To live And yet you have Turned And I can no longer pity you That song has no meaning anymore

Now I’m strong 1987 In the part I always thought I was alone I was wrong You helped me by giving love and giving hope Now I’m strong

Silent Pleas March 26, 1989 I have always cried alone I couldn’t help but find a place to myself so that I would no longer have to swallow the tears The salt water burned my face The silent pleas killed me I couldn’t escape it The past came to haunt me and it didn’t care how much it hurt me It just laughed when I thought I was free and it waited for the right moment to twist the knife To tighten the noose And I quietly took the pain I decided I had to move on I had to pick up the lingering parts of the past and put them in their place Where they belong But I couldn’t do that alone I wanted to remember an unclenched fist And when you helped me in the fight I actually felt strong again And I don’t cry anymore

Simple Things 1986 A patch of daisies waving in the wind on the side of an isolated road A butterfly with vibrant red and yellow wings flying through the branches of a berry bush a kitten cleaning her paw in front of a fireplace lit at night some of the most beautiful things are also the most simple ones

Sometimes 1986 Sometimes I look at myself My inner self But I can’t see a clear picture Who am I Sometimes I see a business woman Typing on the Computer Thumbing through Large Books Sometimes I see an obnoxious teenager Painting her Toenails During a slumber party Sometimes I see a crying child Just wanting Some Peace Of Mind And sometimes I only see A person Trying to see who she is

The Joshua Tree 1986 The Joshua tree is a tree with long branches said to point toward the Promised land You remind me of the Joshua tree because you help me and lead me in the right direction

There Are Too Many Poems About You, David 1987 Please stop killing yourself You’re changing you may not see it but you friends and family see it I see it Every night I look at the clock and realize you’re at it again You’re killing yourself How many days weeks months will it take for you to see? Every night I look at the clock and hear for your life you don’t know what you’re doing I loved a man that was not addicted to alcohol I’m afraid for you What will stop you from stealing or fighting or taking drugs? Or slitting your wrists once again? Every night I look at the clock and realize you may be dead I wonder if you have been dead Every time you take a drink you push yourself over the edge And every times I think of you the knife twists deep inside When you kill yourself you kill me I care for you so much I only wish you cared for yourself as well Please stop killing yourself

To The River 1987 I lead myself to the river to cleanse myself to strip myself of all evils I touch the water with my hand I watch the gentle rippling waves contort my image and change me I wade into the pureness my toes my heels my ankles emerged in the water it pushes against my skin it tingles at my nerves the sand at the bottom slides through my toes the coldness of the water numbs me I stand paralyzed to the feeling immobilized by the sensation my tolerance grows and I continue to wade my calves my shins my knees they feel like ice they are changed by the water changed by the feeling I need the river I cannot wait any longer and I dive my hair ripples with the waves as my hands part the water as I swim downward further and further to cleanse myself as the light slowly disappears and I am flooded with new sensations and new emotions but as I rise once again to the surface as I emerge from the river I emerge from the cleansing and the air once again contaminates me with the evils of life

Trapped 1996 I feel like a prisoner locked in a never-ending maze Trapped Confused Is there any way out? Twists and turns, and never a moment without the greatest feeling of severe frustration and absolute hopelessness Trapped Confused Is there any way out?

Wanted To Play 1987 Love is a crazy game And I so desperately Wanted to play I rolled the dice I took a chance And I lost The game And then I was asked if I would like to play again Love is a crazy game And I so desperately Want to play

What To Do 1986 How many nights have I stayed awake crying until i could no longer the number must be countless those nights are only too familiar to me now what’s the sense? the pain I’m feeling never goes away It haunts me like a childhood fear and never releases its hold on me the agony is indescribable and I don’t know what to do And whenever there seems to be a time when I haven’t a trouble it’s there And it always finds its way back to me What’s the sense? I don’t know what to do

Copyright Janet Kuypers. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission.

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