the chapbook from Janet Kuypers, published in 1988, is called

poem book

you’re with me I sit in a chair in a lonely corridor I’m all alone but I see you there You’re in my thoughts I see your face imagine your touch I hear your voice but you’re no place You’re in my mind I’m all alone but then again, no for even when I’m alone You’re with me

Listen To What You’re Not Hearing March 28, 1989 I feign a smile as the breeze comes bouncing off the building sweeping around the backs of my legs When the breeze took my hair it licked your face You were annoyed I wasn’t surprised You asked me what was wrong I said, “nothing” And you believed me I’m not trying to make any moves anymore because I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong move I don’t mean to annoy you Listen to what you’re not hearing

Cry To Be Held March 28, 1989 I cry to be held But you don’t seem to See my tears I’m starting to feel More alone with you than without you Me? Get serious? Oh, I never do that too much chance to pain And yet I was trapped like an animal in a cage I fastened the lock myself And now I only cry to be held

moonlight moonlight is a hypnotist putting people in a trance whenever you look at it it takes over your soul no one can stop it but no one wants to

New Day 1988 I look up into the early morning sky. It is the clearest blue. I look to the horizon. The sun seeking over deep green trees. I look into the river. The waves glisten with sunlight. I look. Darkness is gone. A new day has begun.

That Is You March 9, 1989 Not you not me those lines have been erased we have combined the blood and water in a body integral parts of a whole working together for a common cause joined in a way dripping into each other so that we can never separate and now that we are one you no longer see me for I do not exist how can you see anything that is a part of you that is inside you that surrounds you that encompasses you that is you

An Extension Winter 1986 A new life, a bundle of joy your flesh, your blood your love, your life this little child, an individual is yet an extension of you A new life, a bundle of joy your hair, your eyes your laugh, your cry this little child, a separate life is yet an extension of you A new life, a bundle of joy mirroring your smile reflecting your love being your life this little child, this life that is new will always be an extension of you

A Smile On My Face 1988 don’t know what it is about you whenever you enter my mind joyous thoughts are stirred and a smile emerges The happy times we have had the memorable times we have shared will always put a smile on my face

there is a fire in my heart there is a fire in my heart you’re my desire rom the start well you inspire he best in me I’ll never tire of you, you see that I think about you all night long it’s your image that keeps me strong and though we’re separated by miles I still think about you all the while just holding hands down by the lake I never planned the love we’d make our love will stand the test of time everything’s grand I know you’re mine and I think about you all night long it’s your image that keeps me strong and though we’re separated by miles I still think about you all the while

Why Am I Infected August 28, 1989 Why am I infected with this terrible disease? I grasp and reach for straws -- but there is no cure but death itself Is it a gift or more of a curse? It is a disease that you cannot combat Why am I infected with this terrible disease called life

When You Go Home This Evening February 3, 1989 you think you know me you couldn’t begin to know when you see me press my eyes shut or cover my mouth with my hand when I look down that certain way and hold my hair back in a clenched fist you know nothing of my thoughts how could you even understand a life of uncertainty, depression and hatred you and your white picket fence and your cardboard dog the polo cologne that smells like shit two point one three kids and sex three point two times a week how could you think that you know I’ve been lied to I’ve been attacked I’ve been hated I’ve been cheated on I’ve been robbed from I’ve been raped but I don’t think I’ve ever been loved so don’t tell me you know so when you go home tonight, boy turn on the evening news and flip through the daily paper shrug your head at the violence and hatred and turn on the Cosby show and don’t even dare to tell me that you know me

Yeah March 13-14, 1989 Yeah. He can really move. See kim on a dance floor. He swings hips like no other white boy. Yeah. But he refused to slow dance. He was cool. Just ask him. But he couldn’t slow down. Yeah. He knew how to dance. He barely moved. But he moved. And he looked so damn sexy. He knew what to do. But he smoked. And hated the world. Yeah. And no one could ever get close to him. Yeah. He could hold his own when the lights flashed and the beat quickened. But he didn’t know when to stop. Enough is enough, I said. Yeah. But he didn’t know when the dance was over. And he crashed. Yeah. He was a klutz. Didn’t like to dance. But he loved music. And when he liked a song, he never wanted it to end. Yeah. And he never wanted to hear a new song. But the songs he loved wouldn’t play for him anymore. Songs don’t last forever. Yeah. On a Saturday night he would hit the dance scene. he was the best looking thing on the floor. His moves were almost awkward. Do the California Twist. Yeah. But he couldn’t accept the idea of a new step. Yeah. He wasn’t the best dancer. He swayed back and forth. And he snapped his fingers. He danced like a child. Yeah. But he had fun. No worries. He danced in a group -- no partner, but many friends. Yeah. He liked to party. Mister cool. He’d dance to be shocking. Yeah. Caught your eye. Hunk-of-burning love. Always laughing. Always joking. And just when you got used to him, he’d dance with someone else. Yeah. He had a bad knee. He limped. Old war wound, I suppose. But he liked to move. Yeah. As much as he liked to get wasted. Or steal the show. Or flirt. And it was a party mask he had to wear. Too heavy.

they tried they tried to hold me down they tried to keep me in they didn’t understand “I was different ” they said as day after day I led my life with the interrogation lamp shining in my face they tried to change me they tried to bend my will they wanted to break me “We don’t like you ” they said but every day I faced the battle in splendid silence knowing that all like me would understand me and thank me they tried to make me beg they tried to make me cry they wanted me to conform “We don’t need your type ” they said and I ignored them for I couldn’t let those who didn’t understand and didn’t want to learn or respect or treat me as human destroy me

Decision 1987 My heart is already torn apart from you All I ask is your decision -- is that too much to ask? All I ask is your decision -- must you break my heart in two? You break down my defenses with your stare All I ask is your decision -- or must My heart you tear? All I ask is your decision -- or do you even care? I think I’ve taken all that I could take All I ask is your decision -- is it one you cannot make? All I ask is your decision -- how long must I now ache? You love me, but you have her by your side All I ask is your decision -- is it hard for you to hide? All I ask is your decision -- it’s with me you confide All I ask is your decision -- does she know you lied? you say you want me but you want her too All I ask is your decision -- I will not wait for you All I ask is your decision -- I will not be your fool

Trapped 1996 I feel like a prisoner locked in a never-ending maze Trapped Confused Is there any way out? Twists and turns, and never a moment without the greatest feeling of severe frustration and absolute hopelessness Trapped Confused Is there any way out?

Wanted To Play 1987 Love is a crazy game And I so desperately Wanted to play I rolled the dice I took a chance And I lost The game And then I was asked if I would like to play again Love is a crazy game And I so desperately Want to play

Good Bye 1985 A tear rolls down my cheek I read the note once again “Good bye ” I was in love Why -- why did he leave me? I need him now more than I’ve ever needed him before “Good bye ”

Life 1987 Life is like the universe endless vast life and the universe are both everything Life is like the universe different and beautiful in every way Life and the universe are both everything forever

Maybe I love you 1987 I don’t understand I try to think yet whenever I look at you I can’t Your voice send shivers down my spine Each time I look into your deep drown eyes my world turns into fantasy and all my problems disappear Whenever you come into my mind everything else is forgotten A mere moment with you serves as am eternity I don’t understand why I feel the way I do maybe I love you

Mesmerizing 1987 the tapestry intricate elegant alluding to oriental pleasures the curtains hanging draping dripping in royal shades of indigo the candles flickering pulsing causing the shadows to do their sex dance the jewels shimmering shining drenched in golden splendor incense igniting the air as garlands of gilded chimes echo a mesmerizing melody ascend the beauty capture the moment before the candles burn out and the light is gone

To The River 1987 I lead myself to the river to cleanse myself to strip myself of all evils I touch the water with my hand I watch the gentle rippling waves contort my image and change me I wade into the pureness my toes my heels my ankles emerged in the water it pushes against my skin it tingles at my nerves the sand at the bottom slides through my toes the coldness of the water numbs me I stand paralyzed to the feeling immobilized by the sensation my tolerance grows and I continue to wade my calves my shins my knees they feel like ice they are changed by the water changed by the feeling I need the river I cannot wait any longer and I dive my hair ripples with the waves as my hands part the water as I swim downward further and further to cleanse myself as the light slowly disappears and I am flooded with new sensations and new emotions but as I rise once again to the surface as I emerge from the river I emerge from the cleansing and the air once again contaminates me with the evils of life

Leather Jacket Faded Away In The Morning Fog 1989 at five-thirty in the morning I sat in the kitchen straining to swallow the tears and you raced to get your luggage into your truck my mind wandered to the candles the roses the pizza and all I could think was that the best chapter of my meager life was coming to a pathetic end I looked at you in your leather jacket and you took my hand and led me to dance I really didn’t mean to but I couldn’t help but cry for the idea of our last dance destroyed me and as you drove away I dreamt that you came back and said you wouldn’t leave but as the car lights faded away in the morning fog and you tuned the corner I fell to the floor screaming and crying I had no one to blame but circumstance and I couldn’t fathom going on

Monotony 1987 life has become a job day after day of dreary monotony and I want to quit

Hard Enough Anymore January 6, 1989 I don’t think that the teddy bear you bought me can help me too much anymore when I feel my cold lonely bed at the end of each long lonely day I feel my bear close and I think that if I hold him close enough you will feel the hug and if I bring him close enough I can even smell your cologne and sometimes when I give it a hug I even think that he is hugging me back but it only makes me hurt more because you’re not here I look at that teddy dear big innocent eyes and mine fill with tears but I think he cries too because he no longer lessens the burden he weighs it down you told me that when I’m feeling down I should give my teddy bear a hug because he may be needing one too but I can’t hold the bear hard enough anymore for that big blue bear can’t replace you

I Don’t Care 1989 I’ve realized something about people they’re cold Cold as ice in a winter storm People don’t care about other people Only themselves “Hello. How are you? ” Respond with anything other than “fine ” and you get a blank stare as if they wat to ask “Why are you telling me this? I don’t Care. ” Why is it that when there is a car accident others just drive by Because they don’t care I’ve realized something about people they’re cold

all men have secrets March 29, 1989 all men have secrets and here is mine. Strength is my weakness and now my shoulders don’t stay in place. You ask me to open my eyes but they are. At least I think they are. Why don’t you take me in your arms? Why don’t you seduce me? Tear me in half. Rip me apart. Just don’t cast me aside. I don’t want to be strong. Be strong for me, so that I can adjust my chin and not have to worry about whether or not my eyes are open.

I Do Think Of You 1987 I’ve noticed something about you You give to others You think of others You help others But I’ve noticed something about others They don’t give to you They don’t help you They don’t think of you They don’t reciprocate And I want you to know something I do think of you And I care

Now I’m strong 1987 In the part I always thought I was alone I was wrong You helped me by giving love and giving hope Now I’m strong

The Joshua Tree 1986 The Joshua tree is a tree with long branches said to point toward the Promised land You remind me of the Joshua tree because you help me and lead me in the right direction

A Common Acquaintance 1987 An innocent place turned into a lengthy stare A simple hello turned into an intimate conversation A common acquaintance turned into a lover My heaven turned into my hell for another woman turned everything we had into nothing

Simple Things 1986 A patch of daisies waving in the wind on the side of an isolated road A butterfly with vibrant red and yellow wings flying through the branches of a berry bush a kitten cleaning her paw in front of a fireplace lit at night some of the most beautiful things are also the most simple ones

What To Do 1986 How many nights have I stayed awake crying until i could no longer the number must be countless those nights are only too familiar to me now what’s the sense? the pain I’m feeling never goes away It haunts me like a childhood fear and never releases its hold on me the agony is indescribable and I don’t know what to do And whenever there seems to be a time when I haven’t a trouble it’s there And it always finds its way back to me What’s the sense? I don’t know what to do

Sometimes 1986 Sometimes I look at myself My inner self But I can’t see a clear picture Who am I Sometimes I see a business woman Typing on the Computer Thumbing through Large Books Sometimes I see an obnoxious teenager Painting her Toenails During a slumber party Sometimes I see a crying child Just wanting Some Peace Of Mind And sometimes I only see A person Trying to see who she is

Silent Pleas March 26, 1989 I have always cried alone I couldn’t help but find a place to myself so that I would no longer have to swallow the tears The salt water burned my face The silent pleas killed me I couldn’t escape it The past came to haunt me and it didn’t care how much it hurt me It just laughed when I thought I was free and it waited for the right moment to twist the knife To tighten the noose And I quietly took the pain I decided I had to move on I had to pick up the lingering parts of the past and put them in their place Where they belong But I couldn’t do that alone I wanted to remember an unclenched fist And when you helped me in the fight I actually felt strong again And I don’t cry anymore

My Blood February 16, 1989 Take my blood it is yours Take the blood that runs cold through my body and fill my veins with the tears I have too often cried for you

No Longer Pity You March 28, 1989 Stop singing that song to me I can no longer pity you The words are hollow And only echo in the past You don’t know what they mean You can’t know It’s not your luck that has turned you It’s your inability and unwillingness To live And yet you have Turned And I can no longer pity you That song has no meaning anymore

put it to rest please put it to rest i can’t even think anymore i have a life to lead and all you can do is come to me and remind me don’t come to me anymore don’t talk to me don’t love me the past may be vivid in your mind but your wretched pathetic acts scare me and while i live in the present you try to push me and i can’t be pushed two years Copyright Janet Kuypers. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission. This page has been by more than visitors